I cried and cried

Yes I did. I had a big fight with Granny just because of my peer pressure! Well not exactly PEER but let's just call it that shall we? It all happened on Sunday and ever since, my heart, my blood and my soul as though stop speaking to me altogether. I couldn't really describe them and I only cried silently almost every night since then.

Shirley (my cousin) called me today and said that boys should not cry but I guess there are times boys HAVE to let it all out as well... I am not trying to say I am rebellious or whatsover, it's just that I hate people talking to me with THAT tone, you get what I mean?

On same Sunday, after the big fight; I called Mum and scolded and blamed her for leaving me alone, not loving and not paying enough attention to me and what she said was, 'you really need help'. I don't know what's wrong with me! Or is it because I am happy-go-lucky kinda gay boy and the whole world thinks I ain't have any problems? I really don't know...

Today, I really felt guilty EVEN by looking at the nice food she'd prepared for me on the dining table. I really had no appetite at all when I came home looking at the food. I did not eat and called Mum again and asking her to aidez-moi. She'd advised me to eat her food, so that she will feel better too.

Seriously, I think I am starting to become a psychopath. Few minutes ago I cried again. I was singing along with Taylor Swift's THE BEST DAY and halfway singing - I cried. I just don't know why. It was as though the lyrics are so powerful to cut deep into my shield - the deceptive wall I am building since I knew the meaning of DEPRESSION.

THE BEST DAY

I'm five years old

It's getting cold

I've got my big coat on

I hear your laugh

And look up smiling at you

I run and run

Past the pumpkin patch

And the tractor rides

Look now -- the sky is gold

I hug your legs and fall asleep

On the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall

I know you're not scared of anything at all

Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away

But I know I had the best day

With you today

I'm thirteen now

And don't know how my friends

Could be so mean

I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys

And we drive and drive

Until we've found a town

Far enough away

And we talk and window-shop

Until I've forgotten all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to

Now at school

I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you

Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay

But I know I had the best day

With you today

I have an excellent father

His strength is making me stronger

God smiles on my little brother

Inside and out

He's better than I am

I grew up in a pretty house

And I had space to run

And I had the best days with you

There is a video

I found from back when I was three

You set up a paint set in the kitchen

And you're talking to me

It's the age of princesses and pirate ships

And the seven dwarfs

Daddy's smart

And you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall

I know you were on my side

Even when I was wrong

And I love you for giving me your eyes

Staying back and watching me shine

And I didn't know if you knew

So I'm taking this chance to say

That I had the best day

With you today.

PS: Blaming is an action to make yourself feel better...