Loving Others

Matthew 5:43-48

New International Version (NIV)

Love for Enemies

    ⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸ Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

This is what I've learnt from my spiritual leader tonight. God just moved me so much to just speak to him about the way I worship in prayer group. It somehow just dawn on me the realisation that it was important that I speak to him, rather than to pretend everything is just normal. The one thing about me is, the way I worship is generally more "outward" and louder than others (being built in such mould in my church), but most of them in the hostel prayer group prefer the kind of absolute silence to be in tune with God (I've noticed that I was the only one worshipping my lungs out when they were all so silent)

However, my leader taught me that if what I do (i.e.: speaking through the Spirit or singing grace) would just make the corporate lose focus, I'd rather not do it, although that is my norm. Why? Because, we simply gather up for the same purpose. He taught me to be wise and humble in all my doings. So, I choose to lay down my norm, in order for everyone of us to benefit from the gathering, rather than a win-lose situation. "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

Lord, I uphold Thy words in my life and I surrender my life in Thy gracious hands. Make me teachable, Lord. In Jesus' name I ask, amen.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

"Always Remain Teachable and Humble!"

That was what I've heard someone in my half-dream, Mr. Samson, a miner said before we finished our conversation.

Earlier on, another person, Mr. Samuel, a guard for some London underground train, taught me this, "Do not release your visions, until you have received confirmation and answers from God. Keep praying for it, so that God shows an answer to you."

I may just say that these encounters are merely my imaginations but I would rather believe that this is indeed a spiritual intercession, or a spiritual connection with the Lord. Funny enough, I have always reminded myself to be humble and remain teachable, to grow even more, and faster than anything else but I somehow wonder, why does this line comes in again, exactly the next night when I knew of my five-fold ministry calling. True enough, today, I shared my testimony regarding my previous post to my church members during dinner and I did really learn so much that I don't know where should I start writing!

Today, after our second praise celebration, I asked David on how to start reaching out. He then taught me on a lot of things. There were many of the things he said, I did already know, but there was one thing that he said, really hit me, bullseye! He said, "Preach with love, let go of your ego. Remain teachable and humble. Remember this." David also told me one thing, which felt like a slap on my face. He told me that my say on "The Holy Spirit was feeling reluctant" was wrong and it was my own heart and my own patience that didn't push on for the complete healing to take place. "The Holy Spirit, wanted to test your patience," this was what David told me.

These are really the punch lines for the day. Indeed, God used these two "imaginery" people in my dream to teach me on certain things that my life needs to let go, needs to be repaired. Otherwise, I shall never grow. Then, Daniel started teaching already. He was telling me about our human mindset. The worldly mindset of "being influenced subconsciously". He said, there are some people do what others do, just because they don't want to be left out, whether worshipping in the worship team, or evangelising, because this is truly, not the right intention at all!

I believe he was speaking to me, indirectly, because there was once I asked him about joining the worship team, but he didn't answer. But God did tell me during that silence that he will answer my question someday. He only told me to wait. Although I didn't quite feel it that way, but perhaps, I believe in his (Daniel's) discernment of spirit which guided him in making his choices. Daniel's discernment is not by himself - it is from the Lord, and who am I to deny? Amen.

I thank God for today's dinner, which had become my punch lines for the night:
1. Influence and not be influenced.
2. For evangelists, icebreaking sessions are very vital.
3. Drop the ego. ALL of it, to serve the Lord, my God.
4. Do not argue during evangelism. It will tick people off and I will miss the chance of saving souls.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Prayers answered and Evangelising as an Evangelist

Prayers answered:
Yes Lord, I thank You for such peace You have given to me today, Lord! You are truly my Rock, Jesus Christ!

So, today, guess what? Exam on New Year's Eve. Fundamentals of Accounting. I have only done the past year papers for 3 days, last week and I barely could retain any possible NEW things I've learnt, since I was so busy with other 3 subjects. In the end, I had only 1 day for each subject to revise and yesterday (Friday) I was reading ITS, and today was FOA.

All in all, I told God, "I surrender my life to You," and it was not answered. But I had faith in Him, of course. I slept at around 2am and I woke up at 10am, since my exam was on 2pm, dreaming of beautiful heavenly encounters too! So, the sleep was very comfortable and it seemed long.

When I woke up, I did what I was supposed to do by revising all of my Accounting workings and theories, expecting theories to come out like my previous semester's Introduction to Accounting (but I was disappointed after that when there were no theories were tested. But anyhow, I was satisfied!) all done in 1 hour 35 minutes. Then, I read the Bible. I somehow found peace in me and I did not get nervous.

Then, on my last 15 minutes, (as I was planning to leave hostel and off to my exam venue) I said, "God, I surrender my 15 minutes to You, God. Let Your will be done, God. Thank You, Jesus." I immediately got drunk with the Holy Spirit. I suddenly lost sense of exam stress and I went for exam on that condition. Feeling drunk with the Holy Spirit, until I stepped into the exam venue, my soul and spirit were sharpened. I already knew that God's hands were with me. I then continued singing grace to the Lord in my heart, for whatever calculation I was doing and thanking Him for every mistakes I found myself doing. As it ended, I just noticed that it was pure fun in the exam venue. I had no sense of excitement for the paper, or even sense of nervousness when I couldn't reconcile my answers. I was only focusing my mind on God. He was truly with me throughout the duration. I then came back to my hostel, smiling broadly, broader than ever. Honestly, I have never had such euphoria for exam before, ever in my life. Amen!

Evangelising as an Evangelist
Yesterday, during my church's House of Prayer for All Nations, (it is basically soaking session for our minds to be renewed and for us all to pray for the nation and share our visions that God has given us) I unexpectedly received my five-fold ministry calling - to be an evangelist. And yesterday, after dinner, my section overseer was talking a lot and teaching me a lot on how to be an evangelist, while not forsaking the other 4 aspects (i.e.: pastoral, apostolic, teaching and prophetic).

Today, after exam, I had a chance to evangelise to my friend, who was having his right hand sprained. I ministered healing under God's name yesterday and again today, and he said that it was 50% healed. I started evangelising to him, making him understand the underlying concept of Christianity - where we usually claim that Christianity is a relationship with God, and not a religion.

I spent about an hour before dining with him, talking about Christianity. Although he didn't acknowledge, at least he realized that I could perform healing under Lord Jesus' name and he couldn't. At least, now he knows a lot more of Christianity. Yes, in the end, he didn't get completely healed (it was very obvious that the Holy Spirit was reluctant already), at least, at least... He tasted a little bit of it. I'm glad that I managed to stir him, deep down in his heart. May God bless him. Amen.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Christmas and Thanksgiving

 Yes, I'm talking about Christmas season again. Although it has been 2 days since then because I was just tagged on Facebook with the interesting pictures in church and in my pastor's house during dinner on Christmas night.

Insight of the church, during our arrangement of new chairs

Photoshot taken when all things are done!

 These pictures were taken on Christmas eve, after the celebration of Christmas for the World Harvest Children Church. We were at first, unwrapping our church's Christmas gift of NEW red chairs, and then we ended up playing dodge balls with the balled sling wraps. It was seriously joyful seeing everyone playing with it and especially when Perez started cursing mildly in Malay, which made me ALMOST ROTLMHO - rolling on the floor laughing my heads off.

When everything has been done, we finally took a group photo (actually more than one, but I chose this as my featured photo in my blog) together. And this, people. Is my big family (though incomplete), born again from the same Father - Jesus.

My Spiritual Family, during Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner

 Then, on Christmas, I woke up and prepared myself to go to church for our Christmas praise celebration and I received my first gift from God, through Jimmy, another brother in Christ during the alter call - Jimmy imparted to my his gift of teaching and I immediately fell down flat on my back by the power of God and felt my heart and soul being renewed.

We had our lunch outside the church after everything was over and there I got a lot of presents - handmade gifts, from many of them. I was shocked and touched to receive so many of their heartfelt Christmas gifts. Though, these are just papers and they are so small and valueless to many of you out there, but these things mattered a lot to me. It really struck deep in my heart. I think from here onwards, I shall be having a mini box for myself - to keep all these memorable stuffs because I'm afraid if I just leave it unattended, I will end up throwing them away next year. This usually happens when I don't take care of my stuffs.

My Kinship: Tricia, Bong Yang and I

Later, I got back to my hut and slept. Planning to wake up at 5pm, to prepare to go and help out in my pastor's house during dinner that night but I woke up at 6pm instead. I felt literally useless at that point. Then, David (the guy in purple tee below) fetched me at 7pm and I went there and WHOA. The house is filled with so many people. Yes, the picture you see above, in a more homely environment are those people who went for the thanksgiving dinner. Honestly, I felt so home and them and ate like a king, as what my section overseer has said to me: "Tonight, we shall eat like kings!"

Although I wanted to help out by giving out food to them, I somehow was tempted to eat. Oh, screwed. Temptation again. Ha, ha. Sorry, folks! My bad. But anyway, we all had a lot of fun there, with 3 people snapping so many pictures, talked about casual things with the pastors, watching Shrek 4ever on HBO, laughed my heads off on some funny scenes which literally made everyone around me felt uncomfortable with my laughter.

What more can I say?

Exactly, what more can I say? All in all, I thank God for giving me such wonderful spiritual family and blessing me with these wonderful people around me. Thanks to everyone and now, we shall be equipping ourselves for the mysterious year ahead. God bless everyone. Amen.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Being humble, and teachable

Tonight marks another great journey of my spiritual journey.

My spiritual leaders and I talked about homosexuality and being humble. We exchanged thoughts on the first few hours but then, I finally dismissed the heat in me to fight back and decided to eat what was given to me - it's for my own good. They said that I'm growing and I need to maintain teachable and very humble and simply receive what people advise me on, to grow MORE. They also reminded me of how can I see so many visions the first few days of my journey with the Lord, because of my child-like faith.

Now, it has come to pass, a reality check, given by my spiritual leaders. It was not a bad thing at all. In fact, I'd have to thank them for teaching me and reminding me to be humble, as the prouds will be dismissed but the humble be blessed (I can't remember the exact words for this scripture, however). Today's walk with Him was good and I would like to ask for more to come. Tonight, really. I have learnt so much. Let me share with you what I learnt.

1. Homosexuality is a mere misunderstood mindset - set free from it!
2. Be humble and teachable. You never lose for being humble and teachable.
3. Maintain a child-like faith for with that, we grow exponentially.
4. Always respect others, regardless of how close you think you are to that person.
5. Don't be stubborn - accept what people teach you, it's for your own good.
6. Ask for renewal of mind - that is repentance already!
7. Sometimes, you just have to mind your own business.

Now, listing this makes me wonder why did we speak for almost three hours. Is it because of the heated and endless debate? Is it because God wants to show me more through them? But, for whatever it is, I am very grateful. They have changed another part of me. Love you, guys!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Kyrie Eleison!

There are a lot of things I would like to bring up. I had been receiving God's grace for these 3 days and I finally got the answer. I accepted Christ on 20/11/2011.

18/11/2011 Friday
-I met a guy in my college whom I thought I could never see (since I have accidentally intimidated him earlier on in Facebook chat). This made my day significant on my Friday morning.
-Second thing that made the day fruitful was this: My talkshow (group English presentation) was a major hit! WEEHOO! We have all completely left our tutor dumbstruck. She couldn't find out anything bad to comment on. She was repeating a lot of "Very good" to us with a broad smile.
-Third thing was again, during Music Theory. I gave my interpretation of a piano concerto that my teacher is currently playing and she was glad to receive it. She even agreed to what I wrote upon.

19/11/2011 Saturday
-I saw the guy mentioned above again which was rather shocking for me
-I had dinner with my "special" Christian friends (Bong Yang and Tricia) whom I could see lights upon them when I first met them and we spoke about very spiritual stuffs. Let me not just venture there. It's just hard to believe, seriously. Anyway, this made my day significant.

20/11/2011 Sunday
-I went to World Harvest Church to listen to a speech by Mr Oliver Tham. For both sessions. First session was at 10am (I had breakfast with Tricia, who invited me there, earlier) and the second was at 5pm.
-I left at 12pm, having appointment with my Music teacher in KLCC (with her friends). So then, I was blessed to go to watch the concert (although the conductor didn't have enough energy for me). The ticket was only RM15! Oh goodness, could you imagine that?! It was really good.
-I came back just on time for the second Oliver session and it went on until 8pm, I think. There during the ending, there were signs of Christ for me already. All I did was to pray for righteousness and my prayer was answered. What happened was really extraordinary.

Pardon me, non-believers. This is really hard for you to believe in what I am going to say. You have to accept Him to understand my feeling.

I started trembling and I told Tricia who brought me there, "I think I have the answer. To accept Christ." And I narrated about the whole prayer session a few minutes before I got the answer and I started feeling numb. It was both my hands first. My friends brothers and sisters in Christ there told me that it was all God's grace and honestly. It was FREAKING HEAVY on me! I closed my eyes and was brought into such situation for a period of time.

I then laid my head and hands on Bong Yang's thighs and clasping his hand, after I received Christ in me. I felt the absurd pressure on me! It was heavy, but holy. Then I started crying and screaming for my physical body couldn't accept the grace God has descended on me that night. I collapsed on the floor (I was lucky it was carpeted, so it was rather soft) screaming and they asked me to call out Jesus' name and I did. Okay, at this point. I just thought of Bella. Yeah, now I understand how she felt when the venom was in her body. I know this analogy is epic, but yeah. It was similar to what she was feeling.

There, I saw so many things. Time shall only tell the meanings of each vision I saw that night. Then, it came to a point where I spoke with such authority and I received answers from God about my doubts because earlier on, I had the worry in me that once I accept Christ, I will have to stop praying to my ancestors, but that night I received the answer from Him saying that it is okay to do so because this is MY tradition and not other religions which forbids you doing all sorts of rituals.

These are a few things that I could remember saying:
"Don't call me Alex, for those who only know me today. For this is not my God-given name. Call me (insert my romanized Chinese name) for this is my God-given name to me!"
"That was what I was trying to say, Bong Yang. Whatever you think I pray to, I always say God is only One. The Lord, God is ONLY ONE!!!" (my voice changed entirely for this line)
"Tricia, you father will accept Christ again. Believe in me. Oh Lord father, I pray to You that You shall make (Tricia's dad's full name) accept You once more before he breathe his last breath, O Lord!"

My words were not from me. There were even a few sessions where I spoke in Tongue. It was the Spirit who used me to speak to everyone who was there for me that night. It was simply amazing how God used me to speak to everyone there. Thank You, God.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

PS: For you non-believers. Don't be afraid, if you really think I will end up preaching every minute of my life to you. I received the calling of "being a preacher with my actions, not words," this was what God told me when I was collapsed. "People go to you and then you preach to them. You don't seek them. Let them seek you," He continued.

Also, I got another calling (to be honest, I only slept from 11pm to 1am and I've been awake since then. The time is 3.50am, by the way) when I read Matthew right after I woke up. It was reinstated when I was listening to Mozart's Messa di Requiem. My second calling (my Assignment) is to lead an orchestra. A conductor. This is my calling!

To conclude, for you readers. May God bless you with the goodness from heaven and you shall taste the sweetness of heaven for yourself when your time has come. Amen.

Today is 12/11/2011

Yesterday, God finally answered my call! I love You, God. Thanks for granting my wish. My Dad's sickness is finally over.

Dad, if you read this...
I wanna apologize that I have not been a good son to you, by sinning against you when you were down. I was/am naive about the circumstances and plans that you have laid for me. You might come home drunk, you might talk nonsense. You might even scold me for my wrongdoings. You left me. You came back. You left me again. You came back again. You didn't know that last week was my first time, I shed tears for you when I knew you were leaving back to the UK again. I guess, all these while, when I lied to myself and said, "Let things be. I don't wanna be bothered," was just a lie. That night, when I cried, I noticed that whatever that happened, whatever psychological torture you gave me since you met Patricia, I couldn't hate you, although I did say so a few times in the past. I simply couldn't. My heart denied that feeling that I was trying to plant into it (because I don't wanna be hurt in future anymore). You have lost my respect since you didn't hear my pleas.

But yesterday, Dad. You have gained my respect again. I could finally see your responsibility as a Dad, not just giving me my financial needs for the next 4 years to come but also gave me advices regarding investments and savings as well as protecting me last night. I finally see it. You have always respected my choices in whatever I do and only detest my choices when I am proven to have bad judgments, now I shall respect your choice to go back to the UK. Thank you, Dad. I love you. I also love You, God for giving me such pleasant evening yesterday, although it rained pretty badly at first.

That's not all. My English teacher also told me that I am very unique when it comes to acting. She said that not many could actually forget who they are in reality to get into the role of the characters. We also discussed on the matter of synchronization of music and acting lines. Apparently there is a very huge breach of communication between these two. It was my fault for neglecting the music line. I'm sorry. All in all, next Monday, everything shall be discussed and finalized. The performance is coming nearer each minute and I still can't see something solid from the group. Despite the fact that we have been practising since the beginning of the semester, we still have a lot of space for improvement. I am a fair person and I am saying this justly, "If we don't do something about this by next week, we'll be humiliating ourselves on the stage next month."

When I reached home and went for my Music Theory class, there was another message uttered with sincerity by my Music teacher which inspired me, and thus I believed that my enthusiasm has made her day too...

We were in Melody Composition. It was an eight-bar melody of composition. I chose to compose for the cello (I will always do so, because that's the only bass-clef instrument I know of) and my teacher and I volleyed each other on the melody at cadence points. She told me that she has always taught her students to reply to the opening melody by using SEQUENCE/ IMITATION, because to her, that's the safest method (besides scales of course).

My words touched her; I said, "Sorry. Please let me think of the melody. It's running in my head already," we kept quiet until I wrote my last note. After I wrote out the melody, she tried changing it by using her method of teaching her students - sequence/ imitation. I said, "No. It is not meant to be played this manner. The final note cannot be played with the low F note. This piece is meant to be happy! The low F note suggests 'This is the end of my melody composition and I want you to clap NOW'." She smiled and nodded her head and we agreed on retaining the high F note.

Then, she told me to add the musical performance directions which I immediately added because such articulations were already in my head when she tried my melody on the piano. I noticed that she asked me a lot of questions (I sensed she was quite excited) during my "decorating" session, "Upbow, downbow?" "Want to slur?" "Louder here perhaps?" I took some and rejected many. I did not mean to disrespect her. I wanted to prove to her that, that was what was in my mind and I wanted her to comment on my composition. I also believe that compositions are never rigid. The 4 golden rules (Sequence, Imitation, Repetition and Contrast) and simply provided as guidelines. I did more passing and auxilliary notes and broken chords instead.

When it was time to bid each other goodbye, she finally said, "All these while, I have never met a student which has the melody constructed in their heads. They always follow what I say. If I do not tell them what to do, in their minds, they're all empty."

I retorted, "But, come on! All you students play the piano. Can't they imagine?"

Her reply was very sensible, "Don't you know that most children are forced by their parents?"

I kept quiet, knowing that she was absolutely right about this. She progressed on talking about her colleague who has been teaching the piano for 14 years never has a student going for the ABRSM Grade 8 practical examination. I couldn't agree more on her heartache.

She also voiced her sadness (though not directly) to me about how her students seem uninterested and how they all show very slow progress in their practical. Then I joked, "Then, Mr. William is indeed very lucky to have me as his student for guitar! I am the fastest student in his classes. Usually, one month, we will go up another level." I bid her goodbye and good night.

To these people, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all have made my day. Really. Thank you.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

PS: For my non-avid readers, my Dad's sickness, it's metaphorical.
PSS: Damn! As I do my editing of the title, I just noticed that yesterday was indeed a special day - thanks to 11/11/11!!

Waiting

Drafted while I was waiting for bus to return home yesterday...

To me, waiting is a non-habitual action. I just loathe waiting for things to pop out. Especially waiting for bus to go back home. I somehow feel that waiting is a waste of time, or should I just say that I am too ignorant to slow down? There are times where I noticed how slow everything around me is when I have nothing to do but wait. I could not help it but to ask myself, "Should I slow down?"

Just today, this morning after my Macroeconomics lecture, I was discussing with my English tutor about the drama for English Carnival where I will act as a wife, I received a message from Dad asking me to call home when I was free. He offered to fetch me home, from the bus terminal. So, I did call back and I regretted it. He told me that he quit his job in the supermarket. My heart sank a little and I was thinking to skip the next class, and go back home straight. Many thanks to the many books I read about life, I didn't succumb into the negativity because after all, I cannot control everything around me. I ain't God!

I felt that being depressed could not help anything at all. The tears, worries and depressions - are all actually in vain. There was also at times, I prayed to God to heal his sickness for he is always ill, in my eyes. At first I thought that he has been cured, that was when he got a job here after his return from England.

You know very clearly there always is something called BUT in a story.

Now he told me he quit his job, because his boss scolds him and misusing him. Well, I would understand, because if I were him I would have gone amock and screw the boss up too but hey, look at this. He has responsibility as a father, doesn't he? Pardon me, readers for talking about such bad things about my father. I too know it is sinful to talk about my own family's bad things, which tarnishes my family name (lesson learnt from Di Zi Gui) but I am actually writing for others to be inspired. I hope I have the power to inspire all of you, to stay strong.

I have been working voluntarily in The Chronicles of a Broken Heart as an advice columnist, I have just been nominated as the Staff of the Weeks and now, I shall follow my own advice. Wait. Time heals basically everything. Wait. Things will go well. Pray. God is just making me stronger with all these tests. Pray. God has never wanted to do anything bad to me, He always have good plans laid ahead of me (lesson learnt from a biblical verse).

Wait. Pray. I will.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Trip and another story

Shall I write it in bullet points? I think I should. It's easier to read. Plus, it's my blog anyway!

1. I drove to KLIA to fetch Dad from the UK on 12th, forgoing my first day trip with my friends to Port Dickson. He's coming back here for good. That's what he says. I hope he keeps his words, really. I'm sick of "Now you see me, now you don't" game. Anyway, that is none of my business already. I've decided to leave things as they are. Things will heal by itself.

2. Dad sent me to PD the next day and I had an awesome trip with my classmates. We ate a lot. Laughed a lot. Talked a lot and also shared a lot as well. It was really nice. How great it would be if everything doesn't change? I know I am being VERY unrealistic here. I need to gear up my imagination sometimes, you see!

3. Dad fetched me back home on 15th and along the way, we talked a lot too. Philosophies, I shall say. We talked about how mean the colleagues would ever be when someone is in a bad situation, how "fake" they all are when someone is in a bad situation. Such are human behaviors. That's what we all truly are deep within. As the Bible says, we're all born to sin!

4. On the way back home, I asked Dad if we could visit Grandpa. He's dead, people. I am not hallucinating. Visiting his grave, I shall add. During the visit, I could notice I still felt like crying, after seven long years of that painful loss. I just noticed then, albeit such busy and hectic life I am living, I still love him deep down. In fact, I have to control my eye-dams in order not to break down every single time I visit him every year with my family during Cheng Beng. Here, I was thinking about Morrie (from the book Tuesdays with Morrie) and about whatever he said to Mitch.

I suppose, that's the end of my story? It really sucks that you don't have idea to write at all. I wanted to write so badly this afternoon when I first got back home but after seeing my classmates posts in my Facebook Classroom Group, about our time table, (and of course how terrible it is this time!) I freaking have classes until Saturday. I have to travel back home on Fridays after my class, for my Music Theory in my hometown, and early next morning, I have rush to college again by train or bus, whatever for the Saturday class at 10.30am. I utterly lost my mood in writing. All philosophies were gone. Ideas evaporated. It would be fake if I still had mood to write then! I hate it when it happens! So, this post is rather a make good, for my "loyal" readers to read about my current life.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

I never knew I could narrate this much. A story of me metamorphosing into a better person for the world.

I wrote this to The Chronicles of a Broken Heart and thought it is a very good thing to share to you readers here too. Enjoy.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

METAMORPHOSIS
I chose metamorphosis instead of "making changes" because changes could be very small and no body notices them much, but metamorphosis is something big. You see how a cocoon transforms into a beautiful butterfly? That's how metamorphosis works.

My metamorphosis took place this year. Let's see a few (minor) befores and afters my college endurance.

BEFORE:
1. I was very anxious about a lot of things.
2. I get impatient very quickly.
3. I get angry at a blink of an eye.
4. I smile less
5. I join lesser crowds

AFTER:1. I am still anxious, but now I know it will not help anything by only being anxious. I learn to work things out.
2. I only get impatient with rational things. I don't get impatient that easily anymore.
3. I understand that everything happens for a reason. I rarely get angry unless people poke me too much.
4. I smile a lot more and don't quite care to look around people who hate me or dislikes me. I live in my own happy circle with good friends.
5. I still join lesser crowds, but I am grateful to have my own crowd. I love them for who they are and it was mainly because of them, I've changed into a better person (spiritually).

Here comes my major story:
Things were all fine when I was born, (with my parents, grandparents and cousin sister) until I was 3 years old. My mother was still carrying my sister and my parents finally divorced with the reasons I need not tell. You tell me, what are the most common reasons people divorce?

I was sad for a moment but due to my young age, I forgot those melancholy very quickly. When I was 6, I was brought to court as my mother demanded my custody. She was the plaintiff and me, defendant. Or I should say I am the key witness to the case. My father was a defendant. These were the conversation between me and the judge which until now, I still remember clearly.
"So, you chose to stay with your father. Why?""Because... I like my house. I like to stay with my grandparents. I have an air-conditioner in my room."
"Well, what if your mom's house having an air-conditioner in your room for you? Will you stay with her?"
"No," with a sheepish smile which made the judge and secretary smiled too.
"Well, what if you get to see your grandparents every now and then, when you stay with your mother? Will you be okay to stay with her?"
"No," again with the smile. This time, I took a little longer time to answer him.
"Why?" he prompted.
"Because...... I like staying with my grandparents. I like my house. I like my air-conditioner in my room," this they laughed again because I repeated what I have said earlier. The effect was, my house members went down from six to five.

This was my choice, which made who I am today, and my father won the case. Pardon my stupidity, readers. I was small and I didn't know the meaning of death until when I was 10 years old. My grandfather passed away, which reason that I could vaguely remember. That hit me pretty badly that time; and so my house members went down from five to four.

When I was 11, if I could remember correctly. My father had a big quarrel with my cousin sister one night and chased her out of the house. It was a trauma for me. It simply reminded me of how badly did he manage to control his temper and often fought with Granny every now and then when I was small. Four to three.

When I was 13, also if I could remember clearly. I suck at remembering "how old are you when this happened?". My father remarried to a woman whom I (not forgetting Granny) hated her a month after knowing her. She was by all means a bad influence to my dad. She had brainwashed dad until he forsake us both (me and Granny) in a way that he spent lesser time with us. She had brainwashed dad until he forwent his well-paid job here and decided to start fresh in LONDON with her. I'd begged for him not to go. Twice. But he insisted. I remembered this very clearly - he went to England when I was 15 and I was in a camp the day he flew off.

As soon as I stepped into my house, I collapsed onto the ground and cried, lamenting to Granny, "Why must he leave? Am I doing anything wrong? It was Mom, then Grandpa, (then Shirley, my cousin; I didn't say this when I cried, but I meant it) and now papa! Granny, tell me. What did I do wrong and why everyone is leaving me?!" She couldn't help but cry too. I doubt she was sad her son left her, she was sad for me. As soon as I was pacified, I slept for 14 hours due to the fatigue in camp and trauma at home.

I've hated my father since then and Granny couldn't understand. Although I was good with him, I was just BEING NICE, because it is bad to be rude to one's father. I believe he knows this too. Until one night in recent August, when I was in hostel (present. Now I am 18), with my friend in my room. Granny called me and told that "Dad is coming home. You told me to inform you so you could come home a little later, right? You shouldn't do like this! He is your father, for whatever he did to you! What would he feel when he knows you're doing this to him? Just think for yourself," and she hung down the phone. I was rather angry that moment for being bombarded in such a manner. I called Shirley (knowing that calling Mom would be a sore in the ears for some reasons, she is not there to understand my predicaments) and cried to her, with my friend there, and I felt that God spoke through her for this sentence, "Whatever it is, Granny is right. He is still your father. What you do now is to let go. Forgive him. Untie the knot. No matter how hard it is, you have to try, because if you don't, you will suffer. Not anyone else." She spoke with such authority which I had nothing else to say to her besides, "Okay. Thanks. I shall rest now. Good night. I love you."

I prayed a short prayer that moment and the next morning, when I woke up, "Our hallowed Father in Heaven, be praised on Your name. Father, I just pray to you that my knot will be untied. And also, I pray to You that You will help me to lift this revenge off my heart, Father Lord. Please, Lord. I beg for Your deliverance from such revenge in my heart because I believe, Lord. Without you, I will not be able to make it out. You are my sole strength when everything else fails, Lord. Please, supply me again with your strength to lift this revenge off my heart. Supplicanti parce, Deus!"

I forgot about Dad's wrongdoings as I've never thought about it anymore. I didn't quite know that my prayer was heard until yesterday, 3rd September 2011. Dad called and told me he is coming back to Malaysia as soon as he gets his paycheck there and intends not to go back to London. That moment, was the first time ever feeling that the grudge in me being lifted up. Normally, I would feel very sad and depressed (being confirmed by my close friend when I talked to him about it last night, when I said "I would normally feel very sad, you know it, right?" He replied, "VERY!") when I know he is coming back but yesterday. I didn't. I felt that it's part and parcel of my life. I have learnt to let go already. I've decided to let whatever comes and goes, as it is. After all, I could not control EVERYTHING in the world. This, I have finally understood. I hope this long article inspires the readers around the world to learn to forgive and forget. Of course, remember that GOD is always there, listening to you. You only have to believe in your prayers. That's all.

"What forgiveness cannot achieve?" - Vidura.

Yours truly,
Alex.

Final Destination 5

Yesterday, I woke up at 9am to prepare myself before watching movie with my Secret Sharing Gang. We reached there at 12pm and we picked the1.30pm show. It was funny. Most guys in the cinema laughed and most girls in the cinema clung tight on the guys when people die. 8 people, dying one by one. The ways they all die, you should see it. Great comedy when you see how insensibly these people all die one by one. Even as I am blogging about it now, I still laughed.

Well, the movie wasn't important. What was important was the gathering. How we talked things out, heart-to-heart with each other and to see how different everyone already is. One was talking about human anatomy so much, one was talking about law and of course, I was talking about business too much. As my future doctor friend said, "We have it all in our gang. Doctor. Lawyer. Accountant," concluding my future lawyer friend's words, "Give my name card to your patience. They can call me anytime to stand up against you," and I said, "If your patience wants me to calculate on their budget, I would be available too!"


That was it. The shortest and sweetest post I could sum it up for you, what I did yesterday. Tomorrow, it shall be celebrating Merdeka as well as my friend's birthday party. For all my friends, I am sorry for what I have done that in whichever way have offended you, indirectly or directly. Let Shawal clear off our bad debts and start anew, shall we? Selamat Hari Raya, friends!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Last Minute Changes...

Last night was a super duper hectic life for me! Wanna peek in my mind, here is it:

Scene 1: Dad's flight has been postponed to September, I cannot depend on him anymore to send me back home.

Scene 2: Mom's car is down at the moment and will be repaired during the holidays, so there is no hope for me to depend on her to send me back home.

Scene 3: I need to carry my cello back home to practice and I would really look ugly to bring it back home like this on bus! I would look like a hooligan.

Scene 4: I had a one-week's laundry to wash before I leave this semester, because I was wanting to safe my RM3 for laundry and pack this back home, but... Just read the above scenes, then you'll understand.

Scene 5: I had to go to meet someone about some part-time job at 10pm and it was 9.40pm that time when I started panicking. At 10pm, we went there and wasted spent 1 hour plus listening to an MLM product. Holy cow! 

To whom it may concern: Allow me to highlight these part. I'm sorry, people. I might look like I am interested but I actually am listening, that's all. I am a born listener and yes, that's me. I didn't consider anything at that point. Well, let's just take it as a value judgment session for your presentations, alright. You all did good but you tire people who listen. No offense, alright?

Scene 6: I came back to hostel at around 11.30pm and started hardcore discussion with my hostel friends. 4 of us, in my room. Discussing techniques and different question types. Of course there are a lot of hollering because everyone was stressed up last (mid)night and I broke the tense with another stress, "Guys, seriously. I can see that 2 years from now, in Sem 7, we're gonna be here in this room, discussing Law, Audit, ICDM and what not," they all were a little awed with this (although it is going to be a fact) but we continued studying after that, ignoring what I had just said. After our discussion had ended at 1.30am. We finally bade each other goodbye and sleep.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Exam today

Indeed, God answered my prayers last night and this morning. Before I went for my exam, I called home again, to be blessed by Granny and... It all come out, bulls eye! Everything we  read, all came out! I was so glad for what we have prepared. Many many thanks to my hostel friends. They have been of tremendous help for just when my sole light failed me. Thank You, God for Your awesome gift! Right after that, I went to Jusco with my classmate for a lunch, window shopped and played some arcade games before we both bid farewell.

But I shall share to you (albeit such happy thoughts and doings as for to-half-day), it was a very tiring paper. I didn't even have time to go to toilet! All I did was to write, write and write. But of course there are points at where I was stuck on thinking of translations. I am a little embarrassed of myself right now. For once my proficiency in Bahasa was good... Now it has switched hands to English. For once my Hokkien was better than Mandarin, now it's otherwise. Sigh... I shall find ways to balance them back for sure!

Tomorrow would be English. I hope the same hope I have been having since form 4 - Let my ideas be organized. Honestly, I thought my previous English teacher was being biased of my works but now it happened that she was right all along, because my tutor HERE is also criticizing on my disorganized idea. When will this freaking end?!  I shall be borrowing my friend's MUET text book tonight, to revise on some factual essay facts. Language is not the problem, but my problem is the juice! I ain't have good juice to squeeze!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Here's my update

As usual, I'm sorry for playing the MIA game here. Exam is TOMORROW and I am still reading but many thanks to waking up quite early, I have finished reading the whole subject for tomorrow. I am just aiming for the best but if I can't, I should be glad with what I have in hands. Upon reading this subject, I was hiding in my room for a period of 4 hours (or was it longer?) and singing MCR songs in between to regulate with my building blocks of pressure and stress.

Today's Mom's birthday but I've already celebrated with her and Sis on Sunday. She understood my predicaments. Many thanks to her, I have had the first birthday celebration with her and Sis. Although it isn't grand but it's good enough. The aesthetic value of the lunch we had together was priceless. So, once again, Happy Birthday, Mom. Although sometimes I tend to show my distaste for you and Dad in the past, I now understood clearly that everything has its special reason and it is indeed a blessing in disguise since you left the matrimony home. Thanks again for spending time with me on Sunday. I'm still sorry for the "where should we have our lunch?" incident that drove Sis mad. LOL!

Third and final update: I have just enrolled myself under NUFFNANG. It's a kind of organization which posts campaigns on my blog and I earn money with that. Thanks to my hostel mate who told me about this. Now, I find more reasons to update, share and inspire all of you. Whee! For my classmates and all other people out there who are having exam tomorrow - good luck and sleep well tonight!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Hey cutie :)

OK, I know I sound profoundly gay calling a guy cutie... Who cares.

Anyway, there was a few weeks ago that I noticed this quite cute guy coming into my fellow hostel block-mate's room and recently I noticed he smiles at me. One part of me says "He's just being friendly, (because I am friends with his friend - my fellow hostel block-mate)," while the other part says, "Nice. Now I can talk to him." Whatever it shall be, it shall be. So, I am going to talk to him one day when I see him anywhere alone.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

PS: You do know I am more to the one-to-one guy, don't you? Here, psychoanalysis works best!

Of Incompetency and Justification

2: inadequate to or unsuitable for a particular purpose

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/incompetent

Folks, that is the definition from Merriam Webster Online dictionary of the key word I am about to talk about.

I have recently seen a person who feels (I think I should say... appears to be) incompetent with me and the reason is rather obvious. It (I wish not to reveal the gender here) somehow feels there is a necessity for it to be better than me, or else, on par with me. Now, let me tell you what I have been through the past few years of my short life on Earth; I was more or less like this person depicted in this post and one day my school counsellor comes to me (instead of me going to him) and he requested for an appointment with me because he could somehow see that my psychological behavior is really unfit to being a positive thinker. What he did was to listen to me attentively with all my problems and then he advised me these sentences which I would never forget although time may stop:

"Change I MUST into I TRY," and
"One mountain is always higher than the one that we see here."

And those 2 sentences had changed my perspective about competency altogether. Then, it came to this point where I think,
"Well, at first I thought I was jealous of you for getting such good results all the time and me, only an average Joe but, hey. I don't attend tuitions, unlike you. I am far more active compared to you. I know more general things compared to you. I could surely speak better than you. I could find more things I could do more than you could. AND I BELIEVE YOU TOO, COULD DO A LOT OF THINGS I AM NOT CAPABLE OF. So, I don't have to envy you. I respect you. We trade knowledge instead. That's better, don't you think?"

Let's get back to this main topic. As I was saying earlier, this person who feels incompetent with me MUST be knocked on its head to let it know that I don't give an atom of care about your sunken result. So, spare your tendons and energy to keep turning back to see if I am seeing your sunken results, whatever it may be. Your folio or test results because I am not bothered a single bit.

Somehow, I now have a theory: Wherever new places I go, I must make a justification (or rather a warning) to them that I am not bothered about other people's results and I am not ever interested to compete anymore. I don't wanna end up like who I used to be last time. I am who I am now that you all see today. No more petty depressions for no reasons.

I might sound bitter in this post, I apologize for that because I really am angry about this person and deep inside me, pitying it for having such mindset which would really ruin your mental health. I know I should just confront this person, but like I've said in Tumblr, "I'll give that person one more chance..." hence I will.

To you, if you're reading. Please. Stop whatever you're doing. You might think it's funny, but I totally despise of it wholeheartedly. Thanks.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

I swear not to forget what happened last night!

Dear hostel friends who were with me yesterday,
I honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart. I silently thanked God when we've returned to our hostel later that night for giving me such beautiful friends here. Now, I simply understand what TRUE friends really mean. We don't have to share secrets or do crazy things together to proof that statement but just by being there for me just when I was unwell, was more than enough. You all stayed on, although I have asked you to leave earlier. This is simply... beyond words. I was touched. THANKS!

Readers, this was what happened yesterday...

I woke up late morning, around 11am lazing around my house. I told myself, a few more hours and I'll be off to hostel again. I bade Granny, brushed my teeth and set for breakfast and I went up to my room again to check my mails and have a few bouts in Facebook. I chattered all the way to 2pm which later Granny cooked lunch for me and I ate it, but it wasn't enough. It was too less! Granny said, "It's OK. Just make sure that you eat once you're in KL," and I didn't wanna tire her by cooking more for me too. And so I resumed my Facebook all the way till 3pm. I took my bath and got ready for a take-off.

I then reached KL with a growling stomach, at 7pm that I didn't quite bother to tame just yet. Then all of us headed to Wangsa Maju for dinner. Things got worse from this point of time. I started becoming dizzy and whatever I ate gushed out after a few minutes. I went white, really white. I took more than 4 bouts in the toilet just to vomit. I really felt uncomfortable and I didn't quite like the fact that my friends were still waiting for me. I told one of them through SMS, "If you wanna leave, go ahead. Don't wait for me," and they did went off when I came out of the toilet...

I then walked to the bus station and I heard one of my friends running after me, "ALEX!!! Where are you going? You don't have to worry. We won't leave you behind there like that, OK?" So, I went to clinic with all of them there waiting for me. Guess what? The doctor checked my blood pressure and it was only 90/60. HELL that was scary. What happened next was she gave me a file of medicine (10 tablets) for RM20. It was indeed expensive for me! Once I got back from dinner, I puked again before reaching hostel, thus giving a look that I was drunk. HAHA!!!

As I got back here, I felt a lot better. I felt even better after taking my medicine and had a piece of bread and a can of 100+ (as advised by doctor). Then as I realize I could walk, I resumed on washing my clothes and continued talking with my friends all the way till 1am. I was too tired that I could not fall asleep but I slept thenceforth, until I was late for today's dance class.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Rock and Roll

Yes, today's dance was extremely stressful. We have 2 more weeks for our test! I AM FREAKING SCARED FOR THAT!!!!! My partner is still weak, when she is weak, I am weak too. However, I am not implying I am good myself. I do have my flaws too. I need her. I cannot do it without her. No matter how good other people are. I don't care. She's mine and would be mine until the end of the last beat in the hall for our test!

To my dancing partner,
Be strong. We practice more and everything would be fine. Trust me.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Microeconomics Presentation

I was freaking nervous, as usual. I always am nervous when I know I am about to have my presentation or any forms of public speaking. I was shaking and I was cold. As the time passed by, I eventually got warmer and I felt a little lifelier. And there I went, my presentation. Many thanks to my friends who were willing to listen to my mock-up presentation, I have improved a lot because of their comments. Especially those comments from my team mates today, prior to my presentation. ALEX, TOO FAST! TOO COMPLICATED! SLOW DOWN.

Those comments have helped me a lot, in order to make my audience understand. They said I was good, but to me, I still did have flaws. A little. However, I was rather satisfied with my own outcome. Once again, thanks a lot, guys. You've made it better. It was so funny that my presentation style was actually the same with my tutor. COINCIDENCE. I never contacted her or anything, all I did was to think how to make it fathomable by the audience and WHAM! The steps in answering the questions were rather similar. Ha, ha.

After the class has been dismissed, when everyone else went out of the class, I was the last, because I wanted to talk to my team mate who is going to present next week; and as she has left and my tutor was still there. I asked, "Miss, is there any comments for improvement for my presentation?" She faltered and said, "No. You're perfect." So, once again, friends, seriously. Without you, I'd not get such compliment from the tutor. THANKS!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Hostel Week 3/Lecture Week 2/Tutorial Week 1

It refers to the same week, just the beginning of time is different. Meh, anyway let's start with HOSTEL. It was only 3 weeks, yes but I am rather surprised how (rather) close all of us are already. To volley what my friend said, "for now you will be with us but once you get your friends, you sure will leave us all again.", well Eric, you're very wrong here, boy. Another friend and I thought the same about what you have told us - We're not like what you think we are. Ha, ha.

In hostel, I see and learn many things. First, sociology. Second, independence. Third, knowledge sharing. Fourth, but it should be the most important; friendship in mediocrity. This, I indeed value very much where there is very much lesser complications compared to my "previous" group where everyone, well... Almost everyone? Yeah, they rather misunderstand me quite a lot. Now I am not saying I am self-righteous. I do have my faults too. We give and take, alright?

Lecture 2, things have gone a little deeper. I still can manage. Tutorial Week 1...
Today my ME tutor had ice-broken us and at the same time, my class rep too has established a tutorial group page for us all. I just found out yesterday that I was the only Seremban kid in the whole class. Me, always a special case. Ha, ha. As for group assignments however, it was only 2 days and now (Mom, listen. Your son) I am already a group leader for 2 coursework projects. I see stress is at bay now, invading my PEACE zone soon enough. Stress, the gates are readily opened for you. Come to me and I shall beat you flat.

Today, on my way home after ME tutorial class, my schedule was delayed 30 minutes (or so) due to heavy downpour. Screw it! I then took bus to Wangsa Maju and from there, LRT to Pasar Seni. As soon as I got down the train, I walked to the desired location of Pudu Raya. Upon doing so, I've asked a few people and there was one Chinese old man who had given me the wrong information which led to to somewhere else and there, I met an Indonesian man. He was such a nice person! He brought me all the way to Pudu Raya and upon reaching, he had asked me to take care of myself. I felt blessed. God heard me; on the way to the "wrong direction" before I met this Indonesian man, I passed by a church and I prayed and He answered. So then, I took a bus from Pudu Raya to Seremban. It was only about 1 hour, which is half the time if I board the train. I called my cousin sister to fetch me and I managed to go for my guitar class on time! As soon as I've finished my guitar class, I went to talk to my music school principal regarding my aural classes - my exam is coming really soon. My sight reading still sucks. SIGH! Oh, I bought new sets of strings too!! Just the right timing for my exam. 1 month for the strings to be stabilized.

I had family dinner after that and right now, here I am. Blogging. Imma sleep soon enough, though. Pretty tired with my journey.

Supplicanti parce, Deus.

PS:
1. Guitar exam is on 21st June - I need to apply for leave from my school office next week.
2. I am having my first aural class tomorrow. Wish me luck!
3. I am skipping tomorrow's IA lecture - that explains why I am in Seremban now when most of 1DAC(C) are still there. Chill guys, it's only double entry. I'm positive.