Pramerdeka

Pre-independence blog post.

Funnily enough that my Biology papers tomorrow is my last subject of the three-week horror of examinations. Teachers, don't screw me up had I done anything wrong (especially History) this time because I had done my best and I am sorry had I ever disappointed you again (dedicated to Pn. Asriah, Additional Mathematics). Things don't always look as easy as it is.

Whatever I'm preparing for Biology now, all I could say is... "Go with God". My favourite quote from "The Pearl" where Kino was told by Juan Tomas when his life was in danger. "Go with God".

I seriously do not really know what else should I prepare for because the more I read, the more confused I am with the things but the more I don't read, the lesser the things I am prepared for tomorrow's final battle. Anyhow, I am basically talking crap over here because I just want to express my utmost happiness for tomorrow's final paper - Biology paper 3 at 2.45pm. I seriously can't wait for that!

Later that night, we've planned to gather up at Salmah Beevi (our mamak stall hot-spot for juicy catch-ups) to celebrate Malaysia's 53rd birthday, Gopinath's 17th birthday (which falls on 31st August too) and lastly but not the least (DUH!!!) independence from papers for now. We'll buck up later. Let us enjoy first, shall you?

I am rather excited than nervous for tomorrow. Euphoric. Am I normal?

PS: I love you, Malaysia! Happy birthday. Stay strong!!!

Disappointment

Frankly speaking, I was disappointed with what Mom sent to me:

"There's been a change of plans. Instead of me driving, uncle drove. We left KL last night. We're in Malacca now. So I'll catch up some other time. Sorry!"

Is it only me being childish of putting up so much hope for that promise last week or it could be every child in the world feeling such a disappointment? I mean, come on... How often would I ever see these people in a year? Well, it's not like I am blaming Mom for this but I think it should be good for her to at least tell me last night instead?

I was really looking forward for today, although I do not give a damn about how many seconds she will be here... It's still indeed a quality time, regardless of the interval. I was waiting for her until the message comes in. Yeah, I'm disappointed. Sorry for being ME anyway... It's not like I want it, right?

Have I changed?

re·tort

¹    [ri-tawrt] Show IPA

–verb (used with object)

1.

to reply to, usually in a sharp or retaliatory way; reply in kindto.

2.

to return (an accusation, epithet, etc.) upon the personuttering it.

3.

to answer (an argument or the like) by another to thecontrary.

-Quoted from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/retort

Granny said this today:

"You're now always retorting whatever I'm telling you. You've changed a lot this year, Huat."

Should I sing this instead, or just shut up?

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?

(I'm not okay)

I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means

(I'm not okay)

To be a joke and look, another line without a hook

I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

-Quoted from My Chemical Romance's I'm Not Okay

Meh, I prefer shutting up. My vocal sucks anyway.

PS: I'm amazed that the excerpt I have copied here have 3 messages I would like to convey sometimes.

Disclaimer: I am not an emo-goth kid. I'm just a normal being with normal mood swings.

To whom it may concern

Finally!

(click to zoom)

To Andrew

Andrew has left a new comment on your post "Lock and key paradox":

When he say lock and key... it means that the enzymes are highly specific and can only catalyse a certain substrate, likewise, only 1 kind of key can only open 1 kind of lock an exception to those keys which could now open multiple locks.... not about which breaking... =-="

Andrew,

I didn't mean the "literal" break. I do understand your concept of the lock and the key in both applications (Biological and life) but shouldn't you think the key supposed to be lock and the lock the key?

It's just a term shift I am arguing about not his whole concept. I do support his idea of such but I think he should put the LOCK (enzyme) as KEY. After all, in real life, KEY unlocks the LOCK and not otherwise. Enzyme "unlocks" substrate. This is my argument. Many people has misunderstood my stand. Or perhaps, it was my fault who didn't inform this to the readers beforehand?

Lock and key paradox

Daniel Koshland who proposed the his famous theory of "lock and key hypothesis" for enzyme and substrate binding is wrong. It took me one whole year to think and proof why he was wrong!

This is his theory. Enzyme as lock, key as substrate. Which breaks?

This is real life application. Which breaks?

Are we supposed to just feed in informations into our brains without thinking rationally or just because Daniel was a sought-after scientist and no normal humans could defy his theory? Or is it just... status quo?

I hate this!

I hate the feeling of guilt.

I hate people worrying about me.

I don't really care when I worry about someone, it's just me.

I am who I am and what I am is what you will see. Will I am.

I hate being sick.

I hate it even more when people know my sickness is bad.

I hate people asking me to take care. It shows worrisomeness.

I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate all of this nonsense!

I hate myself for telling the ones I love I am sick.

I hate it.

Good night.

X

Today's been the day where I finally broke down, even though a little. I knew it's coming very soon. In fact I am shocked that I only broke into little weeps than horrible roars, as before. Hence, today - 5/8/2010 should be marked X on my calendar, but sorry I don't have any "paper calendars" for me to do so... I broke down probably because it's the Headcount's fault to set me as top 60 who are hoped to get straight A's... Ah, nonsense, I've told you guys this before. I still remember.

It just sucked but when I was in my room, lying down hopelessly for almost an hour, Andrew's blog popped into my train of thoughts.

This was what he wrote:

"...Well, I know I don't have to worry beacuse...

Matthew 6:24-34

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Even if you don't believe what the bible says, part of it is true anyway, worrying won't add a single hour to your life, might as well enjoy while you're at it, life is short they say..."

Really, it's food for thought. Thanks, Andrew.

Thanks to Mom, who called me after I got better. She was a little worried about me, I could hear that about my cough that I've been having since last week and my newfound drug: dextromethorphan (DXM) which is supposed to be a cough suppressant. It brought me to euphoria instead. WTH?

OK, readers. I'll be off to see my family doctor again, to get a better medicine. Will update on it later, if I've had the time to.

Cough

I'm declared sick again, actually I have been sick for a week. Cough. Damn it. I know, it sucks, especially when trials is so damn (fcuking) near. Ha, ha, I spelt the word purposefully wrongly. Today, I've been sitting at home, reading up boring History of Malaysia since morning. So far, I've only covered 2 bloody chapters. Anyway I can't focus much on the things I do. My cough medicine is acting strange on me. I tend to get... euphoric and floaty. Every single time I take it I will experience the same feelings.

I shouldn't really take it anymore but hey, look. I've to get well soon in order for me to stay focused, right? I've 3 pills more then I hope I will be fine by then... I don't wanna be sick anymore: physically or mentally. I am still surprised why by this week I am still sane. Usually I will tend to lash out or banging my head or throwing stuffs already, especially my trials is like what? 1 more week?

Time flies too fast now. I am not interested in many other things that I am not related to. It's not that I don't wanna care... I simply have no time to. For the rest of the world, if I've ever sounded reluctant, I'm sorry because I really am hell of a busy kid now. Going lala very soon, hope not. Bah! I'm talking crap again. I've just took my medicine few minutes ago. I'm sorry folks.

"...DXM (That's my medicine, folks) is also used recreationally. When exceeding label-specified maximum dosages, dextromethorphan acts as a dissociative hallucinogen. Its mechanism of action is as an NMDA receptor antagonist, producing effects similar to those of the controlled substances ketamine and phencyclidine..."

-Quote from Wikipedia

I want the time to freeze

It was a busy day for me. Really, very busy. Especially with a new Bio assessment - a trial 2009 paper from Terengganu and some Chemistry handouts on SOAP. Yes, people! We've finished all except for Physics, just a tiny part to be done. Logic gates and radioactivity. I'm as clueless as you readers, too.

What was so special today was one of my close friends who had never broken down before, broke down today. I think, it was probably our Biology teacher putting in too much stress on him and another friend of mine.

Two of them are the so-called school's hope for achieving straight A's in our major exam. Sad news here is, my Senior Assistant, Mdm. Hasmah has told all the teachers that they should not let us (the top 60 achievers, based on the result for mid term exam last month) flunk, as in... A, for whatever subjects they are teaching us. Lose-lose situation indeed. Teachers get screwing for being bad by senior assistant, we get screwing from teachers for flunking. Awesome, I like the way it worked!

Yeah, anyway... Today's 3rd August... Time's ticking. I need MORE time or at least... I need time to FREEZE for a little moment here! Hello? Damsel in distress here. OK, time for History. Hoorah! Von Bismarck!!! OK, pardon me. I'm half insane already.

Empty

I don't know what the hell's wrong with me at this moment! I am feeling empty for no reasons. Or perhaps, my emptiness has got to do with something significant, or should I say was once significant to me?

I feel... tired of being angry at this kid. In fact, I just hate the people I love being ignorant. Mom, you should know how I'd reacted once, right? So, yeah... Things suck a little at the moment. Especially with this nonsense popping out. How nice, weeks before my trials, there I go with so many complicated things which I should not be involved in.

Well... maybe it is my fault to choose to even be close to him (I will write a post note later, people) but my problem is... I like to be close to people. That's one rather unhealthy habit of mine. If it turns out good, well then the habit would be a good one; like most of my friends - classmates, I mean. We're rather close and we love each other...

If it sucks on the other hand, then the habit's bad. Like me and this kid. I just hate the way he (or other people) being ignorant. Yes, I know... Ignorance is bliss. But, does it imply to ALL? Sigh, I am really confused for Pete knows what reason!

Relax, Alex.

But how?

Just relax.

OK, I'll try...

PS: I am sort of a cold war with my friend for now because of his ignorance. But I don't know why I am hurt in the war I initiated. Or should I say... lost? I think, simple says: I've failed as his friend.

Yes, Mom. If you're wondering, he's one of "the juniors". And Mom, I'll be staying behind tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday. If at all there's anything, please do call after 7pm.

Love, son.