The Guilt

Perhaps it's my inner voice asking me to improve my communication skills and to be a better human myself, but I muted it. What the fuck was that for?!

2 days ago, in a saloon.
I was the 3rd customer. The hairdressers know me for about a year already. I go there often. I like it there, good cut and it's cheap, RM6. Although Mom's hairdresser charged me cheaper (RM5) but that is too far for me. She stays in KL and I, Seremban. I often get my hair cut here before going back to hostel.

There were 2 ladies sitting down. One's hair was being treated with some kind of black dye which I suppose would promote hair growth and darken hair. She was very old. There was another lady, younger by half the first lady's age, I bet was getting her hair trimmed. I sat beside this younger lady, waiting quietly for my turn and I heard her saying that she was worried for a reason which I couldn't quite understand. She got her hair cut and head washed and dried and sat on the bench. Worried. Then my hairdresser attended to me.

Meanwhile, these 2 ladies (i.e: the younger lady and my hairdresser) were talking about how the younger lady should style her hair for a coming dinner soon, and as my hairdresser remarked her with funny sarcasms, I couldn't stop myself from laughing. She acknowledged me from thence. In the midst my haircut, the lady asked my hairdresser, "What should I do if it has blood?" or, was that even what I've heard from her? I was not sure and I dared not ask. I was afraid. Of what, I am not sure. Then my hairdresser replied, "Just take it as it is. We ain't anyone to control fate. We also ain't someone who can reverse anything back to its original state." (I wanted to answer that way too, and by my working experience, insert my personal experience to her too.) As I looked at her at times, she was looking very worried. Her eyes, her face, her body language. She was mentally unguarded. She was mentally naked for a huge attack! I understood so very much how it feels. I left, without making any changes after I paid my hairdresser.

Now, it bothers me. Why didn't I reach out? Perhaps, it was because of such curiosity which made my mother's siblings thought that I was a busy body. This was the price I paid when I ask too many things. It hurts. Deep down. An act of kindness curiosity, which was intended to bond with my family members was mistaken for an act of nosiness. >>Mom, you were there when this happened. You knew how I felt, for sure.

Yesterday, in Pasar Malam. 6.50pm.
This hell bothered me even more. I was walking in the street, so hurriedly to buy granny and my dinner, because my Music class was at 7.30pm. I hate to rush, especially anything within a half hour range activity! I was walking hurriedly and I heard a small boy. Lost. "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?" he voice crescendoed after each word. I walked past him, pretended that I did not hear anything. What the fuck was I doing? I should have helped him find his mom. In my head right now, I am pretty worried for that kid, although again I know it was a lost cause for worrying now. I hope God helped him out, and of course the lady in the saloon too. I can't help but to regret, although I know regret is not going to do any good. I still did, somehow.

This is the second time, consecutively, I did not choose to hear my inner voice.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Disclaimer: Pardon me, readers, I was unable to content that foul word to myself as I was rather angry with myself.