Inspiration

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNGRnAGj-Xo&feature=related

Yes people, this link up here, inspired me to try new things on guitar. I dunno how his tones affect me with guitar but... It still did, alright.

I am going to arrange my strums (and picks, I guess) for I'm Yours right after my holy exam's over.

PS: I posted it here as my reminder actually...

For you people

First of all, let me just list down these names:

1. Lydia

2. Ivy Foxx

3. Mum

4. Francine

5. Gopinath

6. Adeline Naomi

7. Adeline Woo

And I think that's all?

I really love you guys so much for helping me with this dilemma, which I dunno what has gotten into me. I grow depressive really fast and I start to doubt am I okay, myself too. These few days, I feel that this world was dark and empty. I am a loner. I am not loved.

I don't know what went wrong, like seriously!

I'm also sorry for making so many of you worried about me. To be honest, I am not fine. Mainly, this is because of my exam but I am feeling totally blessed as it is FINALLY ending next week! I've been waiting for that moment since my first paper started.

Secondly, which I think this is the actual real reason... I sense that Granny doesn't really understand me anymore OR perhaps, it is me who's going further from her. Maybe it is because the tide of change or something else? I wouldn't know.

I dunno how would I say it. She seems to be throwing tantrums (and I do too) and shouts at me for some reasons. Maybe it was once again, my misunderstanding and intolerance towards her. I really need a counselor, but I doubt I will have time for it. Exam!!!

Things've changed. Adeline Naomi told me this last month: Ooi, it is 2010. Last year was 2009. Everything's not the same anymore!

But for me, I seriously do not know what has changed and what has not. I could be really happy at a moment and then, I will just go down swingy... I'm worried about myself as much as you're worried about me, seriously. This is not me. I am not who I am now.

SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG IN MY CPU

Every time when you're asking how am I doing, I would say that I am fine for that moment. That's because I don't know what I feel. I feel that the older I am, the further I am with my true self. I think I've lost touch with this boy with such characters (I think):

Happy-go-lucky

Hard-core fighter

"Multi-talented"

Loud

Radical

Brave

I can't find it anymore. I think, this time. I am really lost for the moment. GAHH! I'm insane again. OK, sleeping time. Good night. Francine, I think I will need you again, on Monday perhaps.

PS: I chose Francine because she goes on the same bus with me, I know her for 11 years and we know what each other are thinking on the same issue. So, maybe in the bus, she can come up with something soothing for my soul because there is no time to talk about this at all in school: EXAM!!!

I told a friend of mine yesterday, one of the reasons why I write blog:

"Sometimes, we are so busy that we do not have time to listen to each other but we surely have time to read about each other."

Finally

I've talked to Mum!! I feel so great after that. Readers, the MAIN reason I posted this is to let you know comments are finally open again. I didn't know why people like Lydia and Ivy couldn't comment either. Now, after fixing it. People, you're free for comments now.

I cried and laughed

Yeah, I did. Yesterday I cried again. Almost of the same thing (omit my mom. She's explained why. ALAS). Anyway, Granny says that I shouldn't really be thinking on all these things because I should study hard to get good results (old people's philosophy again...).

Today, Gopinath talked to me about my... hectic updates because Francine was telling him the night before what I said yesterday just moved her. I didn't know why on earth I was being so negative yesterday. Suddenly, rush and gush of "lonesome" came to me. I didn't know why that I felt really... devastated yesterday. But I think the main reason is because of terrible exam schedule and tip-top expectations from everyone, which I really hate it.

I seriously think that on 3/5/2010 right before our post-exam potluck, I will talk to my counselor again. Yeah, I'm baroregulating (taken and adapted from Biology term or osmoregulating and baroreceptors which detect pressure). Oh GOODNESS there, you see!

How insane am I sometimes. I just can't shut my mouth and start talking nonsensical science.

Yeah, and about Gopinath, he was being very convincing: If you need us, we will be there for you. Don't worry, you soon will have a better family of your own.

That really put a smile up to my ears. After he's said that, I realized that I could do today's papers with ease. I didn't know whether does it affect or not, but... The papers today were a little hard but were still fine.

Thanks, guys. You mean a lot to me. But... thinking about it, it is going to be a very sad day leaving all of you some day or another to somewhere else. Er, guys, I didn't mean to say I'm dying. Don't worry. I still have not known many things yet. Dying now is just a waste of knowledge.

PS: Francine nudged me in Facebook and she told me that my previous post almost reduced her to tears. I'm sorry if it was that bad. I just got to let out my feelings sometimes, no matter how stupid it sounds like.

Crushed and Ashamed

Dear readers,

This is one random outburst, due to stress. I hope you don't mind me saying these sarcastic things too. Exam has been driving me up the wall, not forgetting other cold-hearted facts too. Everything now, is so close yet so far. But, readers, don't worry. I will not succumb myself into this lunatic spree. As I have mentioned, it is just a random outburst of what I am feeling. My counselor advised me before to, "let out your frustrations at times" and, "don't let it accumulate inside you." So, here I am. With this... er... unplanned, impromptu "poem."

*****

i

Both of you! Yes, you and you!

YOU!

I am crushed by you

I am ashamed of what the both of you have ever

done to me.

Don't you know,

What you did, creates a negative ripple effect on me?

Don't you know,

That you are hurting me?

Both of you!

You knew, but did you even care?

Did you even LISTEN...

ii

YOU!

Who have claimed to love me,

Loved another.

Bon voyage, you're gone with the wind off shore,

Leaving heaps of debts behind,

Scarring my happy childhood.

iii

Not to forget, YOU!

Who have claimed to love me,

Being bias and disheartening!

You were never once proud of who I am.

You have never supported me!

Have you not know,

What is best for you,

Might not be the best for me?

Don't you know,

I've been longing for your love?

Don't you know,

I want you here sometimes?

Don't you know,

That I miss your voice?

Don't you know,

That my heart has been broken

More than the two of you could ever imagine?

iv

WHY, I wonder.

Sometimes, I am being plain dumb,

Answering my own question:

"That's your faith."

But shouldn't it be better?

Is it so hard for you to listen,

With your hearts near mine?

I don't need ears as I have many,

What I need are your hearts and minds,

Which I have been lacking ever since.

I'm simply...

Crushed,

Ashamed.

v

But I have promised myself,

That no matter what,

I will continue to live my life,

With or without you!

Another question:

Do you... even know me?

*****