NUFFY

Monday, November 29, 2010

Guitarliszt dilemma

I'm just gonna post it right here and let you guys read. My dilemma is more than pronounced. Mom, don't raise this issue up to ANYONE in the globe, dead or alive. Keep it as our secret. Thanks. Don't mention about this to me too. I'll think of what I can do. Maybe miracles happen along the way.

Newborn: Guitarliszt tag. Guitar and Franz Liszt are sort of one in me. I'm too much in love with his Hungrarian Rhapsody #2, that's why.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Bloody frustrated

You know what, people? Yesterday I was just telling my Gran about me wanting to pick up violin if I had the chance and this was what I get today, all of a sudden that she's just blurted that damned thing out.

Her: You better buy that violin and then you won't use it anymore. Your dad can't afford everything that you may want.
Me: Did I say that I wanna use your money at any extend? I know what I am doing and I didn't say that I want to learn it right now, did I?

(Alex, the inner me: It was just a bloody plan! Say I wanna buy a palace or learn cello. Is it a compulsory act that I must buy them? Don't your son has weird wishes too? He's worse than me, alright?! At least I don't take things that are not mine! I earn what I do!)

Her: That's the only thing that you know how to say nowadays. How are you gonna get all that money?
Me: I'll do it when I have it. It's not a haste that I WANT violin so badly now!

(Alex: OK, so you're implying that I can't even have my own damned dreams too is it? Why on earth is everyone stopping my dreams?! Mom on the other hand keeps on telling Gran that she couldn't help a single bit due to her financial problems and stuffs. PEOPLE WAKE UP! I don't need your sympathy to survive. I am well off on my own feet and have I really asked you for money before, Mom? Even if I do, I paid you back, remember? In fact, I have never talked anything about money to you, or to Gran, or to anyone in the damned world. I know I am living in reality! I'm so damned fed up of this idea whereby you all think that I really need your money to buy my stuffs. Look, it's Dad's and Gran's must to nurture me and stuffs. It is their responsibility! But otherwise, I bought a new guitar with my own money. I know when to spend and when to safe, people. Damn it. Everyone of my family should just read this)

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The moral of the story is, I will never ever tell whoever in my family about any of my plans any-damned-more. If any of them ever blames me for this, I'm just going to tell them, "Besides criticizing my actions, any other suggestions you have? You didn't even listen to me, remember?"

That's it. Mom, I know you're reading this. And I am still mad at the whole ideology that I NEED everyone's money to survive. Money's such a damned spoiler. Call me as soon as you read this! Get me thinking rationally about this damned brouhaha everyone in the family is making. Gahh!

Stairway to Heaven

Everything happens for a reason

Sorry for the chronological glitch here. I should've posted this on the 22nd November, but due to the exam and stuffs, so yeah. Here we go. This is my inner voice, reminiscing the day from morning till the moment he left me (again).

22/11/2010
(Morning)
Dad's leaving today. Finally. Thank God that I was patient throughout the whole month! He'll be leaving home at 3.30pm, apparently he wants to take Granny for a walk in KLIA. I chose not to follow. I didn't wanna cry. I DON'T want to cry for him, anymore. I'm just so sick of it. I might as well study History with my friends. It's just another goodbye that will scar me deep, again. Well, his presence here for a month scars me too. I just don't wanna be scarred twice, that's all. My cousin sister's right. It's a sin to hate my parents, but it's my feelings that not I who created it. It's him (or they) who made up my mindset. I believe that Dad, Mom and I have parts to play in this game. It's always been this way, no?

(Noon)
I decided to go and call off that study plan with my friends. When informed, my friend replied to my message, "good decision". Guess, I'm just gonna make full use out of this, eh? As usual, in my life, I've always make full use outta everything. Nothing comes free, people. So the time has come (my cousin brother-in-law with his wife, my cousin sister and his 2 babies have finally arrived and we set off to KLIA) and I took only Guylian Belgian Chocolates as my food supply. I was already hungry on the way there.
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WOOHOO! Finally, I can start my food-hunting! Let's see what do we have in here?
(half hour later)
MAN! WHERE IN THE WORLD IS McD?! I've been hunting for this for half hour already and I can see stars already. Wait, let's just ask the man over there. He should know, he works here!
Me: Excuse me sir. May I know where is McDonald's please?
Sir: You go straight to the end, and turn left.
Me: Thank you so much, sir (I'M ALREADY VERY FAMISHED!!!)
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I'm finally here! YEEHAA! People, beware of piglet Alex! He's ordering 2 sets of McChicken Supreme. Good Lord the feeling was sensationally epic! It's been long since I've felt that way, although I always eat like a piglet.
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So, here it is, camwhore time with dad. Only a few pictures, so I wouldn't really say camwhore. I was not in the picture because I didn't wanna attach myself with him for that period of time. I feel harder for me to let go of him.
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Goodbye, dad. No, I also chose not to hug him. He knew that too. He just came over to me and tapped my shoulder with some advises that I already know, "Study hard, good luck in your SPM."
#The end of KLIA story#


27/11/2010 (2.13am)
I know it's insane for me to sleep so late but yeah. I've finished my first box of Guylian's today and I sneaked down to open a box of Laima Gold Edition Latvian Choc. GOSH!!!!!!!!! Even the box smells so damn good. As I opened the box, I found out that the chocolates were like so few! How sad?! But anyway I took a piece of Serenade (because apparently it has 3 designs of chocolate bars in this box) and bloody Mary! The taste is like... Heaven. I can see the heaven (about picture attached above? That's the purpose of me attaching it. It's a visual stimulation). I was supposed to sleep after that but I got too excited that I have to blog about this. OK, good night people. I really am sleeping now!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Exam aku!

Yeah, sorry la. I tiba-tiba terasa nak merojakkan blog aku ni (akibat pengaruh seseorang, bagi yang berkenaan, tau tau je la eh?) Hari ni, sejarah. Kertas yang aku palinglah tak ber-confident nak face. Paper 1 aku, dikira eloklah. Aku buat punya buat and finished in like 10 minutes. Pastu aku shade sini, shade sana. Dah habis shading, berdebat sorang-sorang about jawapan pilihan aku. Dah kira terror tu, aku pergi tandas. In the midst of the exam, dah ramai budak keluar dewan nak baca sejarah untuk kertas dua, kononnya dengan bantuan tips...

Bila dah balik ke tempat duduk aku, nampak pulak Francine submit kertas dia. Apa lagi? Aku pun ikut saje la. I still had 15 minutes prior to the paper's duration. Who cares? Dah habis debat kali kedua, aku cek sekali lagi, lepas tu, hantarkan kertas objektif aku tu.

Pergi canteen, baca sejarah dengan gang aku and time masuk dewan. Aku berdoa 2 kali untuk dapatkan keyakinan aku balik. Bila dah habis tu, maka pun bukalah kertas soalan tu dengan penuh ketakutan. Tapi entah apesal aku rasa syok jawab soalan-soalan tu. Walaupun apa yang aku main gasak tu, tak pasti betul salahnya. Pastu dah habis, aku pun drive balik rumah, dengan harapan yang aku bagitau nenek aku, mungkin A- la...

Siap semuanya, dengan makan aku macam babi 3 zaman, aku pun online kat Facebook. Pastu dapat pula jawapan untuk paper 1 Sejarah, kawan hantarkan. Aku tick sampai soalan akhir... Result is...... (Jeng jeng jeng) 39/40!

Yeah, ini memang kali pertama aku dapat markah setinggi ni. Let's hope I can get A for it, man! BM and BI were pretty good la. Soalan novel untuk BM tu, aku dapat kepuasan emosi menjawabnya. BI pun ok je la... Boleh dapat A kot untuk 3 subjek ni... Let's pray for it. =)

PS: I somehow find it surprisingly nice to write in this style now. Hmm... Perhaps... Meh, I'm still with my style of British English. This is just a trial-and-error style. So, till then, bye~

PSS: It's Maths on Monday, Moral on Tuesday. Let's do it, babe!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

THIS IS IT!

My first SPM paper. 8.00am. Just dropping by to update you people about the things happened yesterday.

1. Dad left. I did not cry. I stopped myself from crying. THIS, I really have to thank every single deity in the world for my over-extended patience and courage. My perception towards him will change, once he's changed. The 'hatred' will not last long, I hope.

2. While waiting for dad's flight in KLIA, I've gobbled up 2 McChicken Supreme burgers and the feeling was epic!

3. OK, NOW I'm gonna do some final reading to get everything geared up and off I'll go. Love you guys!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Gratitude

Thanks to my friends who were online last night, they've all made my day. Thanks, guys. Love you all. =)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

A friend and 11 years of reflection

He's helped me (indirectly) by accompanying me to dinner tonight. I didn't wanna stay at home, just by staring at one of my member's face. It just hurts so much when I'd have to talk to him. I skipped dinner at home, and called a friend out, although he looked pretty reluctant and didn't wanna waste unnecessary money. I've to thank him dearly, although he isn't so close to me. Well... To be frank, he's not close to me at all. But he was there. This was what I wrote to him:

"I've been battling not to cry this whole day. It just sucks. At least you've accompanied me a while there. Thanks."

So yeah, this morning I'd to wake up extremely early to pay a visit to my grandfather's cemetery. I was silent the whole trip there, listening to my MP3, pretending to sleep because Gran has given me a fore warning about not to talk too much because just another person in my family member is very bossy towards me indeed. I just didn't like the fact that I've to talk to him and he couldn't accept the way I already am and he lashes at me and stuffs. Well, not exactly shouting at me, he just tells out his unsatisfactory towards me like what has happened yesterday, "I was just keeping quiet when you wanted that wallet. I knew it somehow you will not find it good. I just kept quiet because you're very sensitive nowadays."

When we reached there, my grandfather's cemetery I couldn't help but cry. I felt feeble and sorry for I was not able to visit his grave for nearly 2 years. I controlled my tears and successfully, I did. I remained silent, hiding in my room when I got home and basically, I just want to avoid that person as much as I could, before lashing out on him.

I know Mom and Gran would certainly go against the idea of me retaliating him somehow or rather, as it's a sin too.

"Parents are the children's living Buddhas, respect them."

Yes it is not to say I am not respecting them. I just somehow find that their presence... doesn't mean much in my life. I do respect them. I do love them. But I doubt if there were anything beyond that point. At least, I am trying my very best to be filial to them, am I not? It's just that I couldn't find a way to make them significant to me. My friends tried giving suggestions but I told them this instead (even to Gran): "Without my parents, I'd still survive. Without my grandparents, I doubt I'll still be alive until today."

Well, seriously I couldn't be blaming them as Mom on one side, is not my official guardian, as I've chosen when I was there for the hearing when I was six, "Choose either Mom or Dad. Explain why." Yeah, it sounded like an essay question to me now. An argumentative one, I'd say. I still remember this petty dialogue between the solicitor and I. Not only that, I still remember very much where we were sitting, defendant (me) on the right side and plaintiff (Mom) on the left side. Soon, one by one of us were called into a room where the solicitor was with his secretary at his left.

Solicitor: Why would you decide to stay with your father, not your mom?
I: Because there is an air-cond in my house, my father, my grandparents.
Solicitor: Well would you change your mind if your Mom's place has air-cond?
I: No.
Solicitor: Why is that?
I: Because I like my place. I am not used to the place over there.

And soon enough, after the procedure has been through and verdict was announced, I won the case. No, I wouldn't say that I won it because I didn't open the case. I should say Mom has lost the case. I was so happy that time when the secretary congratulated us (Grandpa, Dad and I) that I I'd grabbed and shook her hand very hard. That was it, and my life was normal...

Things changed. Grandpa died, Dad left. So I'm left alone with Gran. Things were difficult yes, but I do prefer it that way than with... Dad being here with us, even for a month. I just didn't like it where the status quo's being threatened and stuffs like that.

Since these crappy things took their tolls, I was wondering, "what in the world would happen had I chosen Mom instead? Meh, it wouldn't mean much anyway. I still am not accepted by most of them there. If I'd die choosing both, I'd rather die with my Granny."

I think that I should end this post here, and now. I don't wanna cloud myself on this sadness anymore. Till then, I hope that I would write about something happy soon.

PS: Dear Lord, I thank You so much for giving me Your strength and courage in order for me to battle through this very day. Amitabha, Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu.