Christmas and Thanksgiving

 Yes, I'm talking about Christmas season again. Although it has been 2 days since then because I was just tagged on Facebook with the interesting pictures in church and in my pastor's house during dinner on Christmas night.

Insight of the church, during our arrangement of new chairs

Photoshot taken when all things are done!

 These pictures were taken on Christmas eve, after the celebration of Christmas for the World Harvest Children Church. We were at first, unwrapping our church's Christmas gift of NEW red chairs, and then we ended up playing dodge balls with the balled sling wraps. It was seriously joyful seeing everyone playing with it and especially when Perez started cursing mildly in Malay, which made me ALMOST ROTLMHO - rolling on the floor laughing my heads off.

When everything has been done, we finally took a group photo (actually more than one, but I chose this as my featured photo in my blog) together. And this, people. Is my big family (though incomplete), born again from the same Father - Jesus.

My Spiritual Family, during Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner

 Then, on Christmas, I woke up and prepared myself to go to church for our Christmas praise celebration and I received my first gift from God, through Jimmy, another brother in Christ during the alter call - Jimmy imparted to my his gift of teaching and I immediately fell down flat on my back by the power of God and felt my heart and soul being renewed.

We had our lunch outside the church after everything was over and there I got a lot of presents - handmade gifts, from many of them. I was shocked and touched to receive so many of their heartfelt Christmas gifts. Though, these are just papers and they are so small and valueless to many of you out there, but these things mattered a lot to me. It really struck deep in my heart. I think from here onwards, I shall be having a mini box for myself - to keep all these memorable stuffs because I'm afraid if I just leave it unattended, I will end up throwing them away next year. This usually happens when I don't take care of my stuffs.

My Kinship: Tricia, Bong Yang and I

Later, I got back to my hut and slept. Planning to wake up at 5pm, to prepare to go and help out in my pastor's house during dinner that night but I woke up at 6pm instead. I felt literally useless at that point. Then, David (the guy in purple tee below) fetched me at 7pm and I went there and WHOA. The house is filled with so many people. Yes, the picture you see above, in a more homely environment are those people who went for the thanksgiving dinner. Honestly, I felt so home and them and ate like a king, as what my section overseer has said to me: "Tonight, we shall eat like kings!"

Although I wanted to help out by giving out food to them, I somehow was tempted to eat. Oh, screwed. Temptation again. Ha, ha. Sorry, folks! My bad. But anyway, we all had a lot of fun there, with 3 people snapping so many pictures, talked about casual things with the pastors, watching Shrek 4ever on HBO, laughed my heads off on some funny scenes which literally made everyone around me felt uncomfortable with my laughter.

What more can I say?

Exactly, what more can I say? All in all, I thank God for giving me such wonderful spiritual family and blessing me with these wonderful people around me. Thanks to everyone and now, we shall be equipping ourselves for the mysterious year ahead. God bless everyone. Amen.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Christmas - The Before and After Salvation Part of Me

I still remember, many years ago, I stayed up late for my dad to come back home, just to wish him Merry Christmas. Me, being a small child, running towards him on the carpark without my sandals on, and shouted MERRY CHRISTMAS, and hugging him was pretty pointless, now come to think about it. But, come to think of it, I have been looking forward to Christmas every year, without me noticing it, more than Chinese New Year and I strongly think it is because of my pretty heavy non-Chinese backgroud. Now, I do not say I'm from an English background, yeah. I'm just a mixture of both Malay and English.

But anyway, I didn't really know the true meaning of Christmas until this year. The real turning point in my whole entire life. Let's just see the before part of me: It was Christmas. I knew it was Jesus being born to the world, but I didn't remind myself of that. I pretty much, wasted more than what I have for my entire life, then. I mean, what was the point of me celebrating it, without knowing the true meaning of it? Well, at least as for Chinese New Year, I do, but also, I didn't embose it into my mind. So, can you see? I wasted a lot of time in my life - technically 18 years. I was foolish in being an atheist, then a deist (check the definitions out if you don't know) and now, I finally found my way back home. To the Lord. To the Promise Land.

Let's see now, what I have AFTER my salvation: I have received tons of visions for me to pray and meditate about, I do not fear anymore of any spirits that could intersect my line of sight (I always had discerning of spirits, even before accepting Jesus, but I didn't know what to do back then). I just command the spirits to leave and they shall obey. That's how I have transformed. I know where I sit - right hand side of the Throne, I know who is my Father - Jesus Christ, and guess what? I can even hear Him. The very major impact He has done in my life is this: Be double patient, be double forgiving, be double loving. Then, indirectly all negative feelings slowly being halved, and halved, finally to bits of nothingness. This is how I change.

Albeit the series of conflicts in my family, I somehow believe, He will do what He will do. Lord, let Your will be done, as how it is done in heaven. So, I don't have to worry about it. Being with Him, I have gained the six aspects of Jesus for myself, and I will treasure it, until the day I breathe my last breath on earth:

"Salvation

Restoration

Renewal

Healing

Deliverance

Abundance"

Truly, this is my greatest gift - six in One. I cannot find any other gifts in the world for a change. Thank you, Lord. You're always good!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

It's all about HAVING FAITH and BEING HUMBLE

Today, I've just finished my Introduction to Organization and Management coursework. I felt defeated after knowing that I've done a few mistakes and I earnestly lost faith in the middle of the road. But then again, I hear voices in my head,
"Have you tried your best?"
"Did you pray before you take the test?"
"Do you have faith in God?"
"Do you believe that He never leaves you alone?"
I agreed on all these silently. Then, as I was walking to my hostel, I saw a stranger, this girl smiled very sweetly to me when we bumped into each other and I smiled back. Immediately, I told myself: I'm beaten, but never defeated!

Then, when I finally checked my dusty Hotmail inbox, I've finally read a reply from my course leader dated 11/11/11 regarding a dilemma previously in my course and she was rather offended with what I've written. I took the humble road and be humble. I apologized to her from the bottom of my heart as she did state clearly in her email that she "... demand something," which obviously is my apology.

In her reply, she told that she was disappointed with my character as a "justifier" (she didn't say this exact words, but this was what she meant), in future as an accountant. I stated to her that I am worried myself too. I reassured her that she has made an impact in my life and I said that I need the environment to educate me, since of course, I come from a broken home. So, my ethics are rather raw, compared to other people.

Conclusion is, I feel blessed today. For what has happened. Thank You, God for not forsaking me but loved me so much and continuously blessing me. I love You!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Kyrie Eleison!

There are a lot of things I would like to bring up. I had been receiving God's grace for these 3 days and I finally got the answer. I accepted Christ on 20/11/2011.

18/11/2011 Friday
-I met a guy in my college whom I thought I could never see (since I have accidentally intimidated him earlier on in Facebook chat). This made my day significant on my Friday morning.
-Second thing that made the day fruitful was this: My talkshow (group English presentation) was a major hit! WEEHOO! We have all completely left our tutor dumbstruck. She couldn't find out anything bad to comment on. She was repeating a lot of "Very good" to us with a broad smile.
-Third thing was again, during Music Theory. I gave my interpretation of a piano concerto that my teacher is currently playing and she was glad to receive it. She even agreed to what I wrote upon.

19/11/2011 Saturday
-I saw the guy mentioned above again which was rather shocking for me
-I had dinner with my "special" Christian friends (Bong Yang and Tricia) whom I could see lights upon them when I first met them and we spoke about very spiritual stuffs. Let me not just venture there. It's just hard to believe, seriously. Anyway, this made my day significant.

20/11/2011 Sunday
-I went to World Harvest Church to listen to a speech by Mr Oliver Tham. For both sessions. First session was at 10am (I had breakfast with Tricia, who invited me there, earlier) and the second was at 5pm.
-I left at 12pm, having appointment with my Music teacher in KLCC (with her friends). So then, I was blessed to go to watch the concert (although the conductor didn't have enough energy for me). The ticket was only RM15! Oh goodness, could you imagine that?! It was really good.
-I came back just on time for the second Oliver session and it went on until 8pm, I think. There during the ending, there were signs of Christ for me already. All I did was to pray for righteousness and my prayer was answered. What happened was really extraordinary.

Pardon me, non-believers. This is really hard for you to believe in what I am going to say. You have to accept Him to understand my feeling.

I started trembling and I told Tricia who brought me there, "I think I have the answer. To accept Christ." And I narrated about the whole prayer session a few minutes before I got the answer and I started feeling numb. It was both my hands first. My friends brothers and sisters in Christ there told me that it was all God's grace and honestly. It was FREAKING HEAVY on me! I closed my eyes and was brought into such situation for a period of time.

I then laid my head and hands on Bong Yang's thighs and clasping his hand, after I received Christ in me. I felt the absurd pressure on me! It was heavy, but holy. Then I started crying and screaming for my physical body couldn't accept the grace God has descended on me that night. I collapsed on the floor (I was lucky it was carpeted, so it was rather soft) screaming and they asked me to call out Jesus' name and I did. Okay, at this point. I just thought of Bella. Yeah, now I understand how she felt when the venom was in her body. I know this analogy is epic, but yeah. It was similar to what she was feeling.

There, I saw so many things. Time shall only tell the meanings of each vision I saw that night. Then, it came to a point where I spoke with such authority and I received answers from God about my doubts because earlier on, I had the worry in me that once I accept Christ, I will have to stop praying to my ancestors, but that night I received the answer from Him saying that it is okay to do so because this is MY tradition and not other religions which forbids you doing all sorts of rituals.

These are a few things that I could remember saying:
"Don't call me Alex, for those who only know me today. For this is not my God-given name. Call me (insert my romanized Chinese name) for this is my God-given name to me!"
"That was what I was trying to say, Bong Yang. Whatever you think I pray to, I always say God is only One. The Lord, God is ONLY ONE!!!" (my voice changed entirely for this line)
"Tricia, you father will accept Christ again. Believe in me. Oh Lord father, I pray to You that You shall make (Tricia's dad's full name) accept You once more before he breathe his last breath, O Lord!"

My words were not from me. There were even a few sessions where I spoke in Tongue. It was the Spirit who used me to speak to everyone who was there for me that night. It was simply amazing how God used me to speak to everyone there. Thank You, God.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

PS: For you non-believers. Don't be afraid, if you really think I will end up preaching every minute of my life to you. I received the calling of "being a preacher with my actions, not words," this was what God told me when I was collapsed. "People go to you and then you preach to them. You don't seek them. Let them seek you," He continued.

Also, I got another calling (to be honest, I only slept from 11pm to 1am and I've been awake since then. The time is 3.50am, by the way) when I read Matthew right after I woke up. It was reinstated when I was listening to Mozart's Messa di Requiem. My second calling (my Assignment) is to lead an orchestra. A conductor. This is my calling!

To conclude, for you readers. May God bless you with the goodness from heaven and you shall taste the sweetness of heaven for yourself when your time has come. Amen.

Today is 12/11/2011

Yesterday, God finally answered my call! I love You, God. Thanks for granting my wish. My Dad's sickness is finally over.

Dad, if you read this...
I wanna apologize that I have not been a good son to you, by sinning against you when you were down. I was/am naive about the circumstances and plans that you have laid for me. You might come home drunk, you might talk nonsense. You might even scold me for my wrongdoings. You left me. You came back. You left me again. You came back again. You didn't know that last week was my first time, I shed tears for you when I knew you were leaving back to the UK again. I guess, all these while, when I lied to myself and said, "Let things be. I don't wanna be bothered," was just a lie. That night, when I cried, I noticed that whatever that happened, whatever psychological torture you gave me since you met Patricia, I couldn't hate you, although I did say so a few times in the past. I simply couldn't. My heart denied that feeling that I was trying to plant into it (because I don't wanna be hurt in future anymore). You have lost my respect since you didn't hear my pleas.

But yesterday, Dad. You have gained my respect again. I could finally see your responsibility as a Dad, not just giving me my financial needs for the next 4 years to come but also gave me advices regarding investments and savings as well as protecting me last night. I finally see it. You have always respected my choices in whatever I do and only detest my choices when I am proven to have bad judgments, now I shall respect your choice to go back to the UK. Thank you, Dad. I love you. I also love You, God for giving me such pleasant evening yesterday, although it rained pretty badly at first.

That's not all. My English teacher also told me that I am very unique when it comes to acting. She said that not many could actually forget who they are in reality to get into the role of the characters. We also discussed on the matter of synchronization of music and acting lines. Apparently there is a very huge breach of communication between these two. It was my fault for neglecting the music line. I'm sorry. All in all, next Monday, everything shall be discussed and finalized. The performance is coming nearer each minute and I still can't see something solid from the group. Despite the fact that we have been practising since the beginning of the semester, we still have a lot of space for improvement. I am a fair person and I am saying this justly, "If we don't do something about this by next week, we'll be humiliating ourselves on the stage next month."

When I reached home and went for my Music Theory class, there was another message uttered with sincerity by my Music teacher which inspired me, and thus I believed that my enthusiasm has made her day too...

We were in Melody Composition. It was an eight-bar melody of composition. I chose to compose for the cello (I will always do so, because that's the only bass-clef instrument I know of) and my teacher and I volleyed each other on the melody at cadence points. She told me that she has always taught her students to reply to the opening melody by using SEQUENCE/ IMITATION, because to her, that's the safest method (besides scales of course).

My words touched her; I said, "Sorry. Please let me think of the melody. It's running in my head already," we kept quiet until I wrote my last note. After I wrote out the melody, she tried changing it by using her method of teaching her students - sequence/ imitation. I said, "No. It is not meant to be played this manner. The final note cannot be played with the low F note. This piece is meant to be happy! The low F note suggests 'This is the end of my melody composition and I want you to clap NOW'." She smiled and nodded her head and we agreed on retaining the high F note.

Then, she told me to add the musical performance directions which I immediately added because such articulations were already in my head when she tried my melody on the piano. I noticed that she asked me a lot of questions (I sensed she was quite excited) during my "decorating" session, "Upbow, downbow?" "Want to slur?" "Louder here perhaps?" I took some and rejected many. I did not mean to disrespect her. I wanted to prove to her that, that was what was in my mind and I wanted her to comment on my composition. I also believe that compositions are never rigid. The 4 golden rules (Sequence, Imitation, Repetition and Contrast) and simply provided as guidelines. I did more passing and auxilliary notes and broken chords instead.

When it was time to bid each other goodbye, she finally said, "All these while, I have never met a student which has the melody constructed in their heads. They always follow what I say. If I do not tell them what to do, in their minds, they're all empty."

I retorted, "But, come on! All you students play the piano. Can't they imagine?"

Her reply was very sensible, "Don't you know that most children are forced by their parents?"

I kept quiet, knowing that she was absolutely right about this. She progressed on talking about her colleague who has been teaching the piano for 14 years never has a student going for the ABRSM Grade 8 practical examination. I couldn't agree more on her heartache.

She also voiced her sadness (though not directly) to me about how her students seem uninterested and how they all show very slow progress in their practical. Then I joked, "Then, Mr. William is indeed very lucky to have me as his student for guitar! I am the fastest student in his classes. Usually, one month, we will go up another level." I bid her goodbye and good night.

To these people, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all have made my day. Really. Thank you.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

PS: For my non-avid readers, my Dad's sickness, it's metaphorical.
PSS: Damn! As I do my editing of the title, I just noticed that yesterday was indeed a special day - thanks to 11/11/11!!

Giving Excuses

I really wanted to write about this on Monday but I couldn't find time. I was utterly busy with orchestra, as our performance is next week, you see? Anyway, let's get back to the point. Excuses.

I really really hate people giving excuses. Why can't they say "No, I don't feel like it," or "No, I'm lazy," to end it? Why must people always give insensible excuses like, "My parents are coming back home today," and all other stupid excuses. Well, I've been in a situation like this before. I was accused by my so-called true friends earlier this year just because I wanted to save money for college, just because I didn't attend most of their outings, just because I wanted to stay at home, just because I always go out with them earlier, they couldn't accept the fact then, that I was really having some financial difficulties and I became a hot topic for a moment. Anyhow, I decided to walk out of the fake group of friends. It was really a sad thing, where you were so close once, and then they start talking about you just because you don't join them. Screw them - sunk cost.

I did talk about this to my room mate on Monday night and yes, he was the person who inspired me to write this article. To him, he said he will blast the person who gives stupid excuses with full sarcasm in front of him. But to me, I blast people off with cold and stern words. Yes, I know I'm always radical. You cannot blame me for acting this way. It's considered very good for me not to simply rant at people for the small mistakes they do, don't you think so?

I've been through many circumstances and I've also been through a lot of people who gave me stupid excuses to slip through. I do admit I also give stupid excuses but I make it practical. I give very less excuses. If I could, I could. If I really couldn't, or I feel reluctant, I don't give stupid excuses, I give real excuses, "I'm sorry. I have a lot of things to do." Sadly, my application/principle of "Do unto others, what you want others do unto you" is not so practical. Perhaps, I need more time to nurture that habit of stop giving excuses.

Sigh, sometimes, I really think that I am very naive in this planet, with everyone else being so "double-faced", so "secretive", so proud of themselves, I am the one who is so openly accepting to these kind of threats, it makes me pretty vulnerable, don't you think? Of course, readers I need to disclaim that I am also human. I do that too but not as bad. At least I don't double-face people, or being over-secretive to people and I only boast around when I get irritated by these idiotic species who boast about how great they do (but comparatively smaller compared to what I've done).

In a nutshell, I am not saying giving excuses are inexcusable. I am saying that you have to be practical in giving excuses. Don't make it cliched, otherwise, you're done for already!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Waiting

Drafted while I was waiting for bus to return home yesterday...

To me, waiting is a non-habitual action. I just loathe waiting for things to pop out. Especially waiting for bus to go back home. I somehow feel that waiting is a waste of time, or should I just say that I am too ignorant to slow down? There are times where I noticed how slow everything around me is when I have nothing to do but wait. I could not help it but to ask myself, "Should I slow down?"

Just today, this morning after my Macroeconomics lecture, I was discussing with my English tutor about the drama for English Carnival where I will act as a wife, I received a message from Dad asking me to call home when I was free. He offered to fetch me home, from the bus terminal. So, I did call back and I regretted it. He told me that he quit his job in the supermarket. My heart sank a little and I was thinking to skip the next class, and go back home straight. Many thanks to the many books I read about life, I didn't succumb into the negativity because after all, I cannot control everything around me. I ain't God!

I felt that being depressed could not help anything at all. The tears, worries and depressions - are all actually in vain. There was also at times, I prayed to God to heal his sickness for he is always ill, in my eyes. At first I thought that he has been cured, that was when he got a job here after his return from England.

You know very clearly there always is something called BUT in a story.

Now he told me he quit his job, because his boss scolds him and misusing him. Well, I would understand, because if I were him I would have gone amock and screw the boss up too but hey, look at this. He has responsibility as a father, doesn't he? Pardon me, readers for talking about such bad things about my father. I too know it is sinful to talk about my own family's bad things, which tarnishes my family name (lesson learnt from Di Zi Gui) but I am actually writing for others to be inspired. I hope I have the power to inspire all of you, to stay strong.

I have been working voluntarily in The Chronicles of a Broken Heart as an advice columnist, I have just been nominated as the Staff of the Weeks and now, I shall follow my own advice. Wait. Time heals basically everything. Wait. Things will go well. Pray. God is just making me stronger with all these tests. Pray. God has never wanted to do anything bad to me, He always have good plans laid ahead of me (lesson learnt from a biblical verse).

Wait. Pray. I will.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Trip and another story

Shall I write it in bullet points? I think I should. It's easier to read. Plus, it's my blog anyway!

1. I drove to KLIA to fetch Dad from the UK on 12th, forgoing my first day trip with my friends to Port Dickson. He's coming back here for good. That's what he says. I hope he keeps his words, really. I'm sick of "Now you see me, now you don't" game. Anyway, that is none of my business already. I've decided to leave things as they are. Things will heal by itself.

2. Dad sent me to PD the next day and I had an awesome trip with my classmates. We ate a lot. Laughed a lot. Talked a lot and also shared a lot as well. It was really nice. How great it would be if everything doesn't change? I know I am being VERY unrealistic here. I need to gear up my imagination sometimes, you see!

3. Dad fetched me back home on 15th and along the way, we talked a lot too. Philosophies, I shall say. We talked about how mean the colleagues would ever be when someone is in a bad situation, how "fake" they all are when someone is in a bad situation. Such are human behaviors. That's what we all truly are deep within. As the Bible says, we're all born to sin!

4. On the way back home, I asked Dad if we could visit Grandpa. He's dead, people. I am not hallucinating. Visiting his grave, I shall add. During the visit, I could notice I still felt like crying, after seven long years of that painful loss. I just noticed then, albeit such busy and hectic life I am living, I still love him deep down. In fact, I have to control my eye-dams in order not to break down every single time I visit him every year with my family during Cheng Beng. Here, I was thinking about Morrie (from the book Tuesdays with Morrie) and about whatever he said to Mitch.

I suppose, that's the end of my story? It really sucks that you don't have idea to write at all. I wanted to write so badly this afternoon when I first got back home but after seeing my classmates posts in my Facebook Classroom Group, about our time table, (and of course how terrible it is this time!) I freaking have classes until Saturday. I have to travel back home on Fridays after my class, for my Music Theory in my hometown, and early next morning, I have rush to college again by train or bus, whatever for the Saturday class at 10.30am. I utterly lost my mood in writing. All philosophies were gone. Ideas evaporated. It would be fake if I still had mood to write then! I hate it when it happens! So, this post is rather a make good, for my "loyal" readers to read about my current life.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

I never knew I could narrate this much. A story of me metamorphosing into a better person for the world.

I wrote this to The Chronicles of a Broken Heart and thought it is a very good thing to share to you readers here too. Enjoy.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

METAMORPHOSIS
I chose metamorphosis instead of "making changes" because changes could be very small and no body notices them much, but metamorphosis is something big. You see how a cocoon transforms into a beautiful butterfly? That's how metamorphosis works.

My metamorphosis took place this year. Let's see a few (minor) befores and afters my college endurance.

BEFORE:
1. I was very anxious about a lot of things.
2. I get impatient very quickly.
3. I get angry at a blink of an eye.
4. I smile less
5. I join lesser crowds

AFTER:1. I am still anxious, but now I know it will not help anything by only being anxious. I learn to work things out.
2. I only get impatient with rational things. I don't get impatient that easily anymore.
3. I understand that everything happens for a reason. I rarely get angry unless people poke me too much.
4. I smile a lot more and don't quite care to look around people who hate me or dislikes me. I live in my own happy circle with good friends.
5. I still join lesser crowds, but I am grateful to have my own crowd. I love them for who they are and it was mainly because of them, I've changed into a better person (spiritually).

Here comes my major story:
Things were all fine when I was born, (with my parents, grandparents and cousin sister) until I was 3 years old. My mother was still carrying my sister and my parents finally divorced with the reasons I need not tell. You tell me, what are the most common reasons people divorce?

I was sad for a moment but due to my young age, I forgot those melancholy very quickly. When I was 6, I was brought to court as my mother demanded my custody. She was the plaintiff and me, defendant. Or I should say I am the key witness to the case. My father was a defendant. These were the conversation between me and the judge which until now, I still remember clearly.
"So, you chose to stay with your father. Why?""Because... I like my house. I like to stay with my grandparents. I have an air-conditioner in my room."
"Well, what if your mom's house having an air-conditioner in your room for you? Will you stay with her?"
"No," with a sheepish smile which made the judge and secretary smiled too.
"Well, what if you get to see your grandparents every now and then, when you stay with your mother? Will you be okay to stay with her?"
"No," again with the smile. This time, I took a little longer time to answer him.
"Why?" he prompted.
"Because...... I like staying with my grandparents. I like my house. I like my air-conditioner in my room," this they laughed again because I repeated what I have said earlier. The effect was, my house members went down from six to five.

This was my choice, which made who I am today, and my father won the case. Pardon my stupidity, readers. I was small and I didn't know the meaning of death until when I was 10 years old. My grandfather passed away, which reason that I could vaguely remember. That hit me pretty badly that time; and so my house members went down from five to four.

When I was 11, if I could remember correctly. My father had a big quarrel with my cousin sister one night and chased her out of the house. It was a trauma for me. It simply reminded me of how badly did he manage to control his temper and often fought with Granny every now and then when I was small. Four to three.

When I was 13, also if I could remember clearly. I suck at remembering "how old are you when this happened?". My father remarried to a woman whom I (not forgetting Granny) hated her a month after knowing her. She was by all means a bad influence to my dad. She had brainwashed dad until he forsake us both (me and Granny) in a way that he spent lesser time with us. She had brainwashed dad until he forwent his well-paid job here and decided to start fresh in LONDON with her. I'd begged for him not to go. Twice. But he insisted. I remembered this very clearly - he went to England when I was 15 and I was in a camp the day he flew off.

As soon as I stepped into my house, I collapsed onto the ground and cried, lamenting to Granny, "Why must he leave? Am I doing anything wrong? It was Mom, then Grandpa, (then Shirley, my cousin; I didn't say this when I cried, but I meant it) and now papa! Granny, tell me. What did I do wrong and why everyone is leaving me?!" She couldn't help but cry too. I doubt she was sad her son left her, she was sad for me. As soon as I was pacified, I slept for 14 hours due to the fatigue in camp and trauma at home.

I've hated my father since then and Granny couldn't understand. Although I was good with him, I was just BEING NICE, because it is bad to be rude to one's father. I believe he knows this too. Until one night in recent August, when I was in hostel (present. Now I am 18), with my friend in my room. Granny called me and told that "Dad is coming home. You told me to inform you so you could come home a little later, right? You shouldn't do like this! He is your father, for whatever he did to you! What would he feel when he knows you're doing this to him? Just think for yourself," and she hung down the phone. I was rather angry that moment for being bombarded in such a manner. I called Shirley (knowing that calling Mom would be a sore in the ears for some reasons, she is not there to understand my predicaments) and cried to her, with my friend there, and I felt that God spoke through her for this sentence, "Whatever it is, Granny is right. He is still your father. What you do now is to let go. Forgive him. Untie the knot. No matter how hard it is, you have to try, because if you don't, you will suffer. Not anyone else." She spoke with such authority which I had nothing else to say to her besides, "Okay. Thanks. I shall rest now. Good night. I love you."

I prayed a short prayer that moment and the next morning, when I woke up, "Our hallowed Father in Heaven, be praised on Your name. Father, I just pray to you that my knot will be untied. And also, I pray to You that You will help me to lift this revenge off my heart, Father Lord. Please, Lord. I beg for Your deliverance from such revenge in my heart because I believe, Lord. Without you, I will not be able to make it out. You are my sole strength when everything else fails, Lord. Please, supply me again with your strength to lift this revenge off my heart. Supplicanti parce, Deus!"

I forgot about Dad's wrongdoings as I've never thought about it anymore. I didn't quite know that my prayer was heard until yesterday, 3rd September 2011. Dad called and told me he is coming back to Malaysia as soon as he gets his paycheck there and intends not to go back to London. That moment, was the first time ever feeling that the grudge in me being lifted up. Normally, I would feel very sad and depressed (being confirmed by my close friend when I talked to him about it last night, when I said "I would normally feel very sad, you know it, right?" He replied, "VERY!") when I know he is coming back but yesterday. I didn't. I felt that it's part and parcel of my life. I have learnt to let go already. I've decided to let whatever comes and goes, as it is. After all, I could not control EVERYTHING in the world. This, I have finally understood. I hope this long article inspires the readers around the world to learn to forgive and forget. Of course, remember that GOD is always there, listening to you. You only have to believe in your prayers. That's all.

"What forgiveness cannot achieve?" - Vidura.

Yours truly,
Alex.

Last Minute Changes...

Last night was a super duper hectic life for me! Wanna peek in my mind, here is it:

Scene 1: Dad's flight has been postponed to September, I cannot depend on him anymore to send me back home.

Scene 2: Mom's car is down at the moment and will be repaired during the holidays, so there is no hope for me to depend on her to send me back home.

Scene 3: I need to carry my cello back home to practice and I would really look ugly to bring it back home like this on bus! I would look like a hooligan.

Scene 4: I had a one-week's laundry to wash before I leave this semester, because I was wanting to safe my RM3 for laundry and pack this back home, but... Just read the above scenes, then you'll understand.

Scene 5: I had to go to meet someone about some part-time job at 10pm and it was 9.40pm that time when I started panicking. At 10pm, we went there and wasted spent 1 hour plus listening to an MLM product. Holy cow! 

To whom it may concern: Allow me to highlight these part. I'm sorry, people. I might look like I am interested but I actually am listening, that's all. I am a born listener and yes, that's me. I didn't consider anything at that point. Well, let's just take it as a value judgment session for your presentations, alright. You all did good but you tire people who listen. No offense, alright?

Scene 6: I came back to hostel at around 11.30pm and started hardcore discussion with my hostel friends. 4 of us, in my room. Discussing techniques and different question types. Of course there are a lot of hollering because everyone was stressed up last (mid)night and I broke the tense with another stress, "Guys, seriously. I can see that 2 years from now, in Sem 7, we're gonna be here in this room, discussing Law, Audit, ICDM and what not," they all were a little awed with this (although it is going to be a fact) but we continued studying after that, ignoring what I had just said. After our discussion had ended at 1.30am. We finally bade each other goodbye and sleep.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Of a Pair of Shoes and Respectful Argument

Status: I am listening to metal songs to drown my sorrows away.

My story:
I called Granny back after noticing her miss call moments ago, "Hello, Granny. Anything?"
"Where have you been?"
"Away. Canteen, for lunch."
"Why are you not bringing your phone there?"
"Well, it's just a short distance. So yeah."
"I see... Anyway I am calling just to ask you when are you coming back home, so I could buy you a pair of shoes. I've just received Grandpa's bonus allowance, that's why."

The shoes... It kinda tugged my heartstrings when she said that. Those pair of shoes are what I am looking forward since I've seen it last month but due to my extremely elastic income elasticity of demand (pardon me, I'm speaking Economics here), I've decided to forgo that shoes and buried that thoughts deep down under.

"Huh? No, don't waste your money over things like this. I've told you I am going to wait for new year so Papa will send some money for me to buy it, remember?" I half raised my tone, unintentionally. I always get angry when people buy things for me. I feel I am rather "worthless" for them that they have to waste their money on me and I HATE to use other people's money, family or no family, especially on things I want! I want to use my own purchasing power to buy that good I want, not by using other people's money. I have even promised Mom to return her RM800 once I get the money, because I couldn't liquidate my fixed deposit just yet to pay for my hostel extension, the due date is in September.

"I don't think your dad is going to give that much of allowance for you for new year. You do know that he doesn't have a stable job in the UK, don't you?" She prompted me.

"Yes, I know but still... Let a father does his responsibility. You have that bonus allowance, you keep it for your own use. Don't waste your money over things like this." I added, and I wanted to add "They won't last" too, but I was afraid she might be hurt by my rejection of her good deed. She had nothing else to say and we bade each other goodbye over the phone.

So you see, readers. The problem is my Granny's extensive love towards me (1) and my evergreen rejection of offer by other people because of my "worthless" self (2). Yes, readers. I know this is a very negative thinking by saying I don't quite like to waste their (people around me) money over me. I was also advised by this friend, "Don't be silly. People do what they enjoy right? And they enjoy talking to you. Spending time with you. See? Don't think such stupid things by saying you're worthless for them."

Sigh... Me and my brain. That's my true enemy in this universe!


Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Add: Stress; Less: Worry; and another tale of yesterday

Now I am very much relaxed since both of my ever-fearful papers (Hubungan Etnik and English) had ended serenely. HE was good and in English, I've wrote an epic murder story - Sorry Mom, God took you away from me in a freak accident. Sorry Dad, I got pregnant with Mike and I ended up killing you with your own pistol, which later resides me in jail with him.

My ending for my story was very abrupt. I hope I wouldn't lose many marks there. Sigh, conclusions. I am never good in ending a story I create. Bah, sunk cost. Who cares.

Now I am very much relaxed because I am sure that I can grab all those subjects ahead of me. I have to, otherwise I can't reach my mark-up of 3.75. Anything higher is surely welcomed. Tomorrow (yes, on SUNDAY) will be Microeconomics. Then Tuesday would be Intro to Accounting and Thursday marking the end of my semester 1 - Quantitative Studies. I would really miss all these subjects when I go higher. Sigh.... Things pass I know.

Actually the main reason I blog this out is because I just feel like talking because my room mate is here now (the good) and I couldn't talk to God before I sleep (the rather bad) because it feels very weird for me if I talk to God when he's there listening, although I know very well he is not interested to listen to my conversation.


Yesterday I bought a very heavy dinner which cost me RM21.10 that ended up dividing my untouched food to my friends here. I thanked God for their presence, if not they will all end up in the bin. Those first timers who saw me last night was rather shocked (as usual) with my appetite. I did eat most of my food, alright. I just shared 2 otak-otak and one piece of murtabak ayam - I quite regret buying that, I didn't find it yummy and these all summed up to RM3-ish. See, I've finished most of the food I bought!

I was basically famished (wow, I doubt I've used such big word here before) after gym yesterday with a few of my friends. I have just noticed something in me. Most of my interests are not common to my friends. I prefer swimming, my friends prefer gym. I prefer classical music, my friends prefer acoustic/modern music. I prefer presentations, my friends prefer examinations. Well, this is who I am. Always stuck in between - epic...

Alright, I think I have talked enough and I shall recede to my Accounting theories now. Ciao!

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Of Incompetency and Justification

2: inadequate to or unsuitable for a particular purpose

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/incompetent

Folks, that is the definition from Merriam Webster Online dictionary of the key word I am about to talk about.

I have recently seen a person who feels (I think I should say... appears to be) incompetent with me and the reason is rather obvious. It (I wish not to reveal the gender here) somehow feels there is a necessity for it to be better than me, or else, on par with me. Now, let me tell you what I have been through the past few years of my short life on Earth; I was more or less like this person depicted in this post and one day my school counsellor comes to me (instead of me going to him) and he requested for an appointment with me because he could somehow see that my psychological behavior is really unfit to being a positive thinker. What he did was to listen to me attentively with all my problems and then he advised me these sentences which I would never forget although time may stop:

"Change I MUST into I TRY," and
"One mountain is always higher than the one that we see here."

And those 2 sentences had changed my perspective about competency altogether. Then, it came to this point where I think,
"Well, at first I thought I was jealous of you for getting such good results all the time and me, only an average Joe but, hey. I don't attend tuitions, unlike you. I am far more active compared to you. I know more general things compared to you. I could surely speak better than you. I could find more things I could do more than you could. AND I BELIEVE YOU TOO, COULD DO A LOT OF THINGS I AM NOT CAPABLE OF. So, I don't have to envy you. I respect you. We trade knowledge instead. That's better, don't you think?"

Let's get back to this main topic. As I was saying earlier, this person who feels incompetent with me MUST be knocked on its head to let it know that I don't give an atom of care about your sunken result. So, spare your tendons and energy to keep turning back to see if I am seeing your sunken results, whatever it may be. Your folio or test results because I am not bothered a single bit.

Somehow, I now have a theory: Wherever new places I go, I must make a justification (or rather a warning) to them that I am not bothered about other people's results and I am not ever interested to compete anymore. I don't wanna end up like who I used to be last time. I am who I am now that you all see today. No more petty depressions for no reasons.

I might sound bitter in this post, I apologize for that because I really am angry about this person and deep inside me, pitying it for having such mindset which would really ruin your mental health. I know I should just confront this person, but like I've said in Tumblr, "I'll give that person one more chance..." hence I will.

To you, if you're reading. Please. Stop whatever you're doing. You might think it's funny, but I totally despise of it wholeheartedly. Thanks.

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

I am still alive

I am not dead yet, no worries. Neither am I sick, I am fit. Thank God for that. The stress is building up and I could not find much time to blog about many interesting things that has happened lately, besides tests. Sigh... There is no doubt, I am comparatively busy than status quo (who lay back, relax and study) but I am not complaining. In fact, I am very happy that I fill my time up neatly, besides giving myself ample time to rest too.

So this week, we had our English grammar test and Quantitative Studies (was known as Business Mathematics and Statistics before I came into the college) and I would not say these are easy. I would just say they are... doable. Yeah, doable. Not hard, not easy. If I say easy, I would let people think that I am going to score a perfect score but when I am not, I'll drown in my own pride. This was what my friend here has told me before: If you brag too much, you'll drown in your own pride.

Besides that, my English Coursework 3 is on Tuesday. A role-play. We chose the topic on "Marriage vs Being Single" and I will be a wife who quarrels with my husband every single day until my son is fully distracted from his studies, and being abused by his father. Later in this play shows the divorce of my husband and I which leads to my son's greater depression. That is the shortest summary I could give because I have not put my idea into words just yet.

Actually now I am at home, doing my QS homework, then I'll take my sleep - wake up fresh to do Microeconomics revision before homework (not necessary to be in the morning though)... Then if God allows, Granny and I shall visit my cousin and her kids of course at night after dinner. That's the end of Saturday night. On Sunday I expect myself to laze around before heading back to hostel at noon and wash my clothes, sweep and do other necessary things whenever I feel like doing. Ha, ha.

On Monday, I would have to teach my dance mates (now we're in group of 8; 4 couples that is) about my choreographed Rock and Roll dance for our coming competition in August. Right after that, I would need to discuss my role-play with my group mates (albeit I am not the leader this time, for both dance and role-play). As it ends, I expect my dance mates to come to my hostel and start practicing our steps out of sight (because I don't wish anyone to copy my steps and dance in the competition day). 10 odd minutes of break after the end of dance would be my orchestra practice. I can't wait for the new piece to come! Dinner after that, of course with my hostel gang... Come back from dinner, rest for a few minutes with light chattering with these people and start revising (or do whatever I feel like doing). Oh, that's my Monday. I don't have formal classes on Monday, so it'd be very boring for me if I have nothing to do, right?

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

What I did these few days?

Ironic enough, I didn't study although I am having my test next week (Wednesday and Friday).

On Friday, I came home early, around 5pm and went for my aural class on 7.30pm and later ended on 8pm. I then waited for half an hour for my individual guitar lesson to begin which lasted until 9.30pm. Dinner with Granny until 11pm and from thence, I was free. I read a few chapters from Il Principe (The Prince), a medieval political philosophy by Nicollo Macchiaveli, and slept.

On Saturday, I woke up at 11 or so, in the morning and had my kick of coffee and drove to pay for my broadband internet service in Jusco and played a game of pool, alone. Then, I wandered alone to Popular and MPH to find for Romeo and Juliet (a book which I have been hunting for months!) but to no avail. I ended up reading a few articles on a book in Popular, regarding "Hak Ketuanan Melayu" written by a Chinese Muslim man, I forgot his name, though.

After a while, I drove back home and fetched Granny to visit my cousin sister. Talked to them for quite a duration, and then, I took a nap there, while Granny continued chatting with her until I heard baby Anna's loud cry - she accidentally slipped herself and hit her mouth on the floor. Poor girl... But the good part about it was that she was able to vomit out a lot of phlegm that we were shocked to see she has been containing (she was sick earlier)!

After Anna had stopped crying, we both made a move and stopped somewhere in Rasah. I spent RM45 for 3 durians. 2 kampong ones and 1 udang merah. DAMN, I should've bought 2 udang merahs instead. But... it's over, so what now? Live with it. Then I went to Family Store to buy some things to bring back to my hostel, and to bake cake. I was successful in inventing the recipe Orange Chocolate Cake! Granny praised me for it! AWESOME!!! This was inspired with the Chocolate Orange drink which I've bought in Pasar Malam past few weeks. We called it a day after that. It was 9.14pm.

I then spent my time here checking out stuffs and read the final chapters of The Prince and here I am, blogging about my completion. I'm so glad I have finally finished reading this wonderous philosophy!

I'll be going back on Sunday (which is today). Probably around noon, with a friend of mine. Wait for my updates then, alright?

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

My Reformed Perspective

At final last, my majoring issue is solved! Many thanks to my Introduction to Accounting lecturer, and of course my other wonderful Economics lecturer. Both of them have made my resolutions about my majoring very clear. So here it is now:
1. I am gonna stick to my Accounting Major in this college. Hey, look! Accounting Major leads to becoming a financial analyst/strategist too (that is if I were to take CIMA).
1.5 Now, I will let my Diploma second year to decide whether CIMA or ACCA suits me most. After all, my IA lecturer told me, these 2 qualifications are equal in the corporate world!
2. I am not gonna pursue any forms of major in Economics in future (but perhaps Psychology, just for fun).
3. As per advised by my IA lecturer (paraphrased), "First three working years are very critical. Try to get into the MNC's for working experiences."

I'm positive about it! Carpe diem :)

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Dance and other dilemmas

Dance. It is getting stressful now, seeing that a couple is better than the both of us. So we decided to continue dancing a little while longer after lesson which was 9am to 11am, and we dragged on to 12pm. Then we both headed for lunch and talked all the way until 12.50pm, as she had to go for her lecture at 1pm. We promised to meet up again in the hostel after she finished her lecture at 3pm and thence, we danced till my body ached. I believe she is rather in pain now too.

We danced rock and roll and cha cha all the way till 5pm and I had to rush for my orchestra practice. New things are hard to handle but I am getting a grip of the technical side in music theory, so it shouldn't be a BIG problem to me, as a newbie. Since the conductor is away for some reasons, I somehow wishes to volunteer but... Who am I? I didn't even dare to ask! Well yes, I know my conducting skills would be very "flaysome" at some points because I conduct with spirit, not theories. Screw that.

7pm, with my instrument, I went dinner with my hostel gang nearby. I ate too much and too salty that I ended up drinking too much of sweet drinks - 6 glasses of drinks all together for the whole day yesterday and I binged myself with tonnes of water and I couldn't and didn't feel like taking a lag. I was really worried and tired last night so I succumbed into my sleep at 12.15am, after teaching my friend Quantitative Studies.

That was all for the day.

The other dilemmas: Replacement classes. I have to replace 3 classes because...
16/6/2011 ALL TARC MERIT SCHOLARSHIP HOLDERS are required to be there as witnesses in a loan giving ceremony. Now, you see... Nothing is free in the world. However, I'd rather attend this (and forgo my lessons on that day, and then replace them) than to attend my lessons, and I might be faced with consequences that my scholarship might be withdrawn. No, I don't want that. No, no, no.

21/6/2011 I have my exam. ABRSM Grade 2 Music Practical Examination. Scales and pieces are all in my head but I am afraid of: sight reading, singing. Otherwise, things would be fine. I hope they would be fine. PLEASE BE FINE! I would freeze my guitar for the moment and pursue musical theory first. Later, I shall continue my guitar lessons. Let's see how things fly :)

Kyrie eleison; Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Hostel Week 3/Lecture Week 2/Tutorial Week 1

It refers to the same week, just the beginning of time is different. Meh, anyway let's start with HOSTEL. It was only 3 weeks, yes but I am rather surprised how (rather) close all of us are already. To volley what my friend said, "for now you will be with us but once you get your friends, you sure will leave us all again.", well Eric, you're very wrong here, boy. Another friend and I thought the same about what you have told us - We're not like what you think we are. Ha, ha.

In hostel, I see and learn many things. First, sociology. Second, independence. Third, knowledge sharing. Fourth, but it should be the most important; friendship in mediocrity. This, I indeed value very much where there is very much lesser complications compared to my "previous" group where everyone, well... Almost everyone? Yeah, they rather misunderstand me quite a lot. Now I am not saying I am self-righteous. I do have my faults too. We give and take, alright?

Lecture 2, things have gone a little deeper. I still can manage. Tutorial Week 1...
Today my ME tutor had ice-broken us and at the same time, my class rep too has established a tutorial group page for us all. I just found out yesterday that I was the only Seremban kid in the whole class. Me, always a special case. Ha, ha. As for group assignments however, it was only 2 days and now (Mom, listen. Your son) I am already a group leader for 2 coursework projects. I see stress is at bay now, invading my PEACE zone soon enough. Stress, the gates are readily opened for you. Come to me and I shall beat you flat.

Today, on my way home after ME tutorial class, my schedule was delayed 30 minutes (or so) due to heavy downpour. Screw it! I then took bus to Wangsa Maju and from there, LRT to Pasar Seni. As soon as I got down the train, I walked to the desired location of Pudu Raya. Upon doing so, I've asked a few people and there was one Chinese old man who had given me the wrong information which led to to somewhere else and there, I met an Indonesian man. He was such a nice person! He brought me all the way to Pudu Raya and upon reaching, he had asked me to take care of myself. I felt blessed. God heard me; on the way to the "wrong direction" before I met this Indonesian man, I passed by a church and I prayed and He answered. So then, I took a bus from Pudu Raya to Seremban. It was only about 1 hour, which is half the time if I board the train. I called my cousin sister to fetch me and I managed to go for my guitar class on time! As soon as I've finished my guitar class, I went to talk to my music school principal regarding my aural classes - my exam is coming really soon. My sight reading still sucks. SIGH! Oh, I bought new sets of strings too!! Just the right timing for my exam. 1 month for the strings to be stabilized.

I had family dinner after that and right now, here I am. Blogging. Imma sleep soon enough, though. Pretty tired with my journey.

Supplicanti parce, Deus.

PS:
1. Guitar exam is on 21st June - I need to apply for leave from my school office next week.
2. I am having my first aural class tomorrow. Wish me luck!
3. I am skipping tomorrow's IA lecture - that explains why I am in Seremban now when most of 1DAC(C) are still there. Chill guys, it's only double entry. I'm positive.

I am going to be:

1. A guitarist
2. A science-and-economics minded accountant in work
3. A certified accountant
4. A violist
5. A contemporary dancer (just registered for this course for co-curriculum in college)
6. A deist (which I already am)
Last but not least,
7. A student who tries to get GPA and CGPA of >3.500

God, friends, family. Be with me. Thanks :)
Supplicanti parce, Deus.

Over-thinking and Hostel Day 5

This is reason number 2 I hate being me. When I am rather close to people and even when they show their sense of distaste to someone or something else, I would be offended. Yeah, I know. I am a bitch. That is inevitable.

But reason number 1 I hate being me: I imprint.
THIS IS JUST TOO INTOLERABLE for me, no. I would not say for me. I would say for him - Alex. Too many unrequited love affections with too many people. I hope I am not talking nonsense here. I am really REALLY afraid I have done my imprinting already. Dammit. Alex, salva me. Domine, salva me fons pietatis.

I think I should sleep. Yeah. Otherwise, people who read my blog would be offended or worse, misunderstand me.

>Today's Mass Call was very tiring. However, tomorrow will be even tiring. I will be waking up at 7am and get ready for my orientation programs tomorrow. Hostel tonight. Dinner outside with 3 other friends. Then I spent my lifeless night in Eric's room again. Another few hours there. I am a little afraid that he somehow... detests my presence. Well, I wouldn't know about how they would think of it right? Let's just hope not.

Placebo effect: No, no. It will not be. I am sure of this!

Supplicanti parce, Deus.