"I've been battling not to cry this whole day. It just sucks. At least you've accompanied me a while there. Thanks."
So yeah, this morning I'd to wake up extremely early to pay a visit to my grandfather's cemetery. I was silent the whole trip there, listening to my MP3, pretending to sleep because Gran has given me a fore warning about not to talk too much because just another person in my family member is very bossy towards me indeed. I just didn't like the fact that I've to talk to him and he couldn't accept the way I already am and he lashes at me and stuffs. Well, not exactly shouting at me, he just tells out his unsatisfactory towards me like what has happened yesterday, "I was just keeping quiet when you wanted that wallet. I knew it somehow you will not find it good. I just kept quiet because you're very sensitive nowadays."
When we reached there, my grandfather's cemetery I couldn't help but cry. I felt feeble and sorry for I was not able to visit his grave for nearly 2 years. I controlled my tears and successfully, I did. I remained silent, hiding in my room when I got home and basically, I just want to avoid that person as much as I could, before lashing out on him.
I know Mom and Gran would certainly go against the idea of me retaliating him somehow or rather, as it's a sin too.
"Parents are the children's living Buddhas, respect them."
Yes it is not to say I am not respecting them. I just somehow find that their presence... doesn't mean much in my life. I do respect them. I do love them. But I doubt if there were anything beyond that point. At least, I am trying my very best to be filial to them, am I not? It's just that I couldn't find a way to make them significant to me. My friends tried giving suggestions but I told them this instead (even to Gran): "Without my parents, I'd still survive. Without my grandparents, I doubt I'll still be alive until today."
Well, seriously I couldn't be blaming them as Mom on one side, is not my official guardian, as I've chosen when I was there for the hearing when I was six, "Choose either Mom or Dad. Explain why." Yeah, it sounded like an essay question to me now. An argumentative one, I'd say. I still remember this petty dialogue between the solicitor and I. Not only that, I still remember very much where we were sitting, defendant (me) on the right side and plaintiff (Mom) on the left side. Soon, one by one of us were called into a room where the solicitor was with his secretary at his left.
Solicitor: Why would you decide to stay with your father, not your mom?
I: Because there is an air-cond in my house, my father, my grandparents.
Solicitor: Well would you change your mind if your Mom's place has air-cond?
I: No.
Solicitor: Why is that?
I: Because I like my place. I am not used to the place over there.
And soon enough, after the procedure has been through and verdict was announced, I won the case. No, I wouldn't say that I won it because I didn't open the case. I should say Mom has lost the case. I was so happy that time when the secretary congratulated us (Grandpa, Dad and I) that I I'd grabbed and shook her hand very hard. That was it, and my life was normal...
Things changed. Grandpa died, Dad left. So I'm left alone with Gran. Things were difficult yes, but I do prefer it that way than with... Dad being here with us, even for a month. I just didn't like it where the status quo's being threatened and stuffs like that.
Since these crappy things took their tolls, I was wondering, "what in the world would happen had I chosen Mom instead? Meh, it wouldn't mean much anyway. I still am not accepted by most of them there. If I'd die choosing both, I'd rather die with my Granny."
I think that I should end this post here, and now. I don't wanna cloud myself on this sadness anymore. Till then, I hope that I would write about something happy soon.
PS: Dear Lord, I thank You so much for giving me Your strength and courage in order for me to battle through this very day. Amitabha, Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu.
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