NUFFY

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I cried and cried

Yes I did. I had a big fight with Granny just because of my peer pressure! Well not exactly PEER but let's just call it that shall we? It all happened on Sunday and ever since, my heart, my blood and my soul as though stop speaking to me altogether. I couldn't really describe them and I only cried silently almost every night since then.

Shirley (my cousin) called me today and said that boys should not cry but I guess there are times boys HAVE to let it all out as well... I am not trying to say I am rebellious or whatsover, it's just that I hate people talking to me with THAT tone, you get what I mean?

On same Sunday, after the big fight; I called Mum and scolded and blamed her for leaving me alone, not loving and not paying enough attention to me and what she said was, 'you really need help'. I don't know what's wrong with me! Or is it because I am happy-go-lucky kinda gay boy and the whole world thinks I ain't have any problems? I really don't know...

Today, I really felt guilty EVEN by looking at the nice food she'd prepared for me on the dining table. I really had no appetite at all when I came home looking at the food. I did not eat and called Mum again and asking her to aidez-moi. She'd advised me to eat her food, so that she will feel better too.

Seriously, I think I am starting to become a psychopath. Few minutes ago I cried again. I was singing along with Taylor Swift's THE BEST DAY and halfway singing - I cried. I just don't know why. It was as though the lyrics are so powerful to cut deep into my shield - the deceptive wall I am building since I knew the meaning of DEPRESSION.

THE BEST DAY
I'm five years old
It's getting cold
I've got my big coat on

I hear your laugh
And look up smiling at you
I run and run

Past the pumpkin patch
And the tractor rides
Look now -- the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep
On the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day
With you today

I'm thirteen now
And don't know how my friends
Could be so mean

I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys

And we drive and drive
Until we've found a town
Far enough away

And we talk and window-shop
Until I've forgotten all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to
Now at school
I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day
With you today

I have an excellent father
His strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother
Inside and out
He's better than I am

I grew up in a pretty house
And I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video
I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen
And you're talking to me

It's the age of princesses and pirate ships
And the seven dwarfs
Daddy's smart
And you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side
Even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
Staying back and watching me shine

And I didn't know if you knew
So I'm taking this chance to say
That I had the best day
With you today.

PS: Blaming is an action to make yourself feel better...

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